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Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


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  #1  
Old 07-15-2014, 02:05 AM
JackStraw (Offline)
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Subtle strokes of God bless me,
every whisper rests me
by my one true recipe,
years separate thee,
Photographers take us in the same strut
with different haircuts.
man, the years fly by and your friends say hey,
come over for dinner today.
too late.
even if you filled them a full plate.
it's a flake, but, every dormant place,
inhabits a friendly face.
I've rarely held the gaze
of this maze for more than
a fumbling phrase
a note misplaced,
a rumble of appraise,
this giant lies still all day,
flickers upon the strike of dawn,
it's on my face and gone.
before i can put my apple down.
and drive out of town.

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  #2  
Old 07-15-2014, 03:18 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Interesting thought with clever resolution.

With the unequal length rhyming couplets as a base, non-rhymes really stick out.


Subtle strokes of God bless me,
every whisper rests me

- "rests me is ungrammatical and is only a near rhyme, which could work further in against a well-established base rather than right off the top.

- by my one true recipe,
years separate thee,

Who is "thee"?

Photographers take us in the same strut

- what dies that mean?

- with different haircuts.

You could make this rhyme easily enough.

-man, the years fly by . . .

Cliched.

. . . and your friends say hey,
come over for dinner today.
too late.
even if you filled them a full plate.

- That's a funny construction. What about "filled up" instead of "a full"?

it's a flake . . .

- what does that mean?

. . . but, every dormant place,
inhabits a friendly face.

- Wouldn't it be the other way around?

I've rarely held the gaze
of this maze for more than
a fumbling phrase

- I don't understand what this means or why you introduce a triplet.

a note misplaced,
a rumble of appraise,
this giant lies still all day,

- Is this another triplet or were these two "triplets" really couplets but the rhyming getting looser? What is "a rumble of appraise"? Who is the "giant"?

flickers upon the strike of dawn,
it's on my face and gone.
before i can put my apple down.
and drive out of town.

- these two couplets are fine.

Clever, clarifying, humorous/serious ending.
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  #3  
Old 07-15-2014, 04:03 AM
E. Zamora (Offline)
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I'm having trouble deciphering a lot of these phrases. It seems like you are sacrificing coherency for the sake of rhyme.
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:03 AM
JackStraw (Offline)
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Thanks for your comments. I sat with a blank screen and jotted down something cool if it came to mind. This poem has no real purpose other than to be a short walk that may or may not be remembered.
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Old 07-16-2014, 03:43 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Originally Posted by JackStraw View Post
Thanks for your comments. I sat with a blank screen and jotted down something cool if it came to mind. This poem has no real purpose other than to be a short walk that may or may not be remembered.
So . . . I took longer critiquing it than your spent writing it?
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Old 07-16-2014, 03:49 AM
E. Zamora (Offline)
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Originally Posted by JackStraw View Post
Thanks for your comments. I sat with a blank screen and jotted down something cool if it came to mind. This poem has no real purpose other than to be a short walk that may or may not be remembered.
That's so annoying. Basically you are saying, it's no good because I dashed it off and posted it without thinking about it too much.

Lon was kind enough to give it his time, but frankly, I though it wasn't worth much effort. Now I know why.

On the other hand, I think more of that goes on here than people are willing to admit, so at least I appreciate your honesty.
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Old 07-16-2014, 03:51 AM
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I'm slowly learning who not to critique.
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  #8  
Old 07-16-2014, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
I'm slowly learning who not to critique.
I hope I'm not one of those people.
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Old 07-16-2014, 11:35 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Originally Posted by <3Less View Post
I hope I'm not one of those people.
Absolutely not.
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Old 07-17-2014, 02:35 PM
JackStraw (Offline)
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Nothing in life points to it being serious guys. Ease up a bit.. I said thank you. If you wanted to read something with more of a deliberate aim, I suggest Anne Sexton, Elizabeth Bishop, or Kenneth Rexroth. I am an amateur without lofty aims.

I do appreciate your time spent on my scrawling Lon. Doesn't matter who spent more time on what as long as we both felt good doing it. Give me a break.

Originally Posted by Lon Palmer View Post
So . . . I took longer critiquing it than your spent writing it?
I guess I do have something in common with James Joyce after all.
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Last edited by JackStraw; 07-17-2014 at 03:03 PM..
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Old 07-17-2014, 03:06 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Originally Posted by JackStraw View Post
I do appreciate your time spent on my scrawling Lon. Doesn't matter who spent more time on what as long as we both felt good doing it.
WE don't, at least I don't. It was a waste of my time.

I guess I do have something in common with James Joyce after all.
Don't be ridiculous. He was a writer who made "painstaking" an understatement of Biblical proportions.
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  #12  
Old 07-17-2014, 03:15 PM
JackStraw (Offline)
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Okay, upon further reflection, I was wrong. You were right. I'm sorry. This is a workshop. If I want to participate I should take it more seriously. Don't mean to ruffle feathers. I respect what you guys do here. I will humbly depart.
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  #13  
Old 07-17-2014, 03:58 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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No-one is asking you to leave, just to take it seriously.
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