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  #1  
Old 05-04-2014, 07:32 PM
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A gentle love, a delicate dove, a perfect life I found..
Addicting drug, Your words are sung, I melt to every sound..
My search is finished, heart replenished, I found you at last..
My dark diminished, hearts been sentenced, behind bars I'm cast..
My stomach flutters, heart beat studders, I'm left without a breath..
My lungs are smothered, words are muttered. I go numb and deaf..
Though so euphoric, these endorphins, something else was bred..
A throat of sores, a dying core, a face so full of dread..
It digs within, my heart it rends, it hurts to even breathe..
my lungs can't fend, no words can mend, this pain you gave to me..
I reattach, this shattered glass, the shatter of my heart..
The pieces slash, my hands are gashed, though loving you's not hard..
My love remains, it hasn't changed, though neither has the past..
we're both to blame, and both feel pain, though love each other back.

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  #2  
Old 05-05-2014, 07:29 AM
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the first two opening lines are great!!

I also like the next ones because they form an M chain so to speak:

My search is finished, heart replenished, I found you at last..
My dark diminished, hearts been sentenced, behind bars I'm cast..
My stomach flutters, heart beat studders, I'm left without a breath..
My lungs are smothered, words are muttered. I go numb and deaf..

some strong descriptions and others not so.
overall an interesting read
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  #3  
Old 05-05-2014, 07:59 AM
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I ask myself everyday if there is such a thing as love.
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Old 05-05-2014, 10:42 AM
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I really like this.

The progression of emotions is really well done.
As far as your choice of form it's great to see something a bit more free verse. The only crit I would make make is that ending every line with an ellipsis looks a little loose compared to the rest of the form and interrupts the flow of the poem. On one hand that's an interesting technique to use but by the end I was ignoring them automatically and flowing the lines together. Again, cool in a way, forces the reader to become numb to the gaps, which is neatly mimetic of love. But at the same time aesthetically it's less pleasing and I always over read everything in order to find a critical point. I imagine a lot of readers would just find it jarring.

I really like it though!
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Old 05-05-2014, 05:17 PM
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Wow for the first two lines!!!! The initial line softened me for the gentle blow of the second. Much of the rest became a tad wordy for me and my interest was lost, but I love the patterning in how you chose to break up the lines and kept to the rhyming scheme. Good job!
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:05 AM
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Usually I hate rhyming but this worked for me. You're good at it. A lost art, really. Love hurts. Ouch.
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Old 05-08-2014, 12:49 AM
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I enjoy poems that celebrate love because they sidestep the well trodden path of a rejected love.

you have flow sir. i enjoyed the read but, only in the lighter parts of it. love is a fantastic mighty wind, capturing a writer and readers attention! just allow me to feel why you are stricken with longing. anyway, thank you!
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:01 AM
ininify (Offline)
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Thank you so much, I like to let the reader decide why in this case because so many people go through pains and leaving it vague allows the reader to interpret the poem in a way they can relate to.. Thank you so much for your reviews.
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