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Boomerang

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  #1  
Old 08-02-2013, 12:04 AM
KBR (Offline)
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sipping all day bitter
immune to cream and sugar

in shorts
leg sticking to the stiff booth vinyl

watching come and go
half lost in thought

here in my body
following my wandering mind

the cafe fronts a clay pan that reaches to shimmering horizon
and I am here

wondering if I need an oil change
knowing I need a change of some kind

I keep bouncing off that big Pacific blue
and wind up on the East bound road through West Texas

wondering what it takes
to hit that aqua and stick it

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Old 08-05-2013, 03:44 AM
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keep writing.

loved the juxtaposition of a human needing an oil change.
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:00 PM
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The lines are too jotty so it read like notes in a journal, but lacked synchronization to call it that either.

I think you should either choose to be abstract or natural, because this seemed to be half&half
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:33 AM
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This one can be a good song lyrics. Write a chorus and add some music. It doesn't sound good as a poem though, but that's just my opinion
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:22 AM
KBR (Offline)
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Only recently have I been able to look objectively at what I write and see how much it lacks. Thanks for the honesty. Kirk

Originally Posted by PedRK View Post
The lines are too jotty so it read like notes in a journal, but lacked synchronization to call it that either.

I think you should either choose to be abstract or natural, because this seemed to be half&half
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:24 AM
KBR (Offline)
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No, it doesn't sound good as a poem Flawless. It could be song lyrics. Thanks for your perspective. I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Flawless View Post
This one can be a good song lyrics. Write a chorus and add some music. It doesn't sound good as a poem though, but that's just my opinion
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:49 AM
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KBR, you got some damn good imagery here. What I appreciate about your writing is that it steps beyond the traditional lines we often bound ourselves within.

Must all be balanced, measured, and or symmetrical? Why not contrast a smooth abstract with staccato points? True, it doesn't fit the mold, and if you wanted, you could insert a word or two here and there to make it more poemish.

But don't lose sight of the message and the feeling you've presented; What its like to sit in some mundane place and wish you were somewhere else. All the words you choose fit the style. You allow the reader to make the connections without you having to draw it out from dot to dot.

I think the setting is great. A diner amidst arid flats from which you fling the reader towards waves of the ocean. And your title is fitting. You follow the motion of a boomerang as it arcs out only briefly before it returns to its place of origin.

I get it. Write On, Write On,

~alley
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