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Let it fall

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  #1  
Old 06-06-2007, 07:58 AM
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Default Let it fall


Let it fall.
Let the world fall on me
Let it tear upon me
Let the spicks and the gooks and niggers tear a piece of flesh off me and eat it
Let the homos come and smell and fester on my fetus like they want to
Let the politicians make the laws that will condemn me for the rest of my life
Let that bitch of a mother isolate my soul to the very deep shadows of her heart
Let the homes of the men that uphold the law paint themselves with the shadows of my soul when they sentence me to my death
Let the prison that they hold down on cave in with the ferocity of one thousand screaming expressions of the men that this society has disregarded
Let the bodies of the of my victims decay where ever they may be and turn into the shit that we use to breed ourselves.
Let it all fall on me
Because I killed many and I felt good about it
Because I took I life that I did not create and it made understand you God
Because now I know you and feel close to you
Because I feel like I regained my faith by committing a murder and now I believe in you my lord Jesus Christ
So let it fall

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Old 06-06-2007, 09:11 AM
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Hi there, I don't pretend to know poetry, though I've had to read plenty of it.

I'm instantly turned off by words like, gooks, niggers, homos and so forth.

I feel the same way to an opening paragraph to fiction.

I was just wondering if "JC" hears your contempt for your fellow man?

I never use God as a crutch and I'm always wary of writer's who mix
faith and hate.

Just my opinion.

God bless you,
Sarcazmo
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Old 06-06-2007, 09:50 AM
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You have a touch of something here. Anger, mostly, a little talent, maybe, but mostly just anger and an attempt to shock people with your words rather than move them.

The first word repetition of "let" became boring and grating. The name calling was simply gratuitous and at least for me, words like that don't hold any shock value and they seem to just be a crutch for not writing something strong and meaningful. The hypocrisy of "doing evil for Jesus" has been done to death and, once again, not at all shocking.

Let the prison that they hold down on cave in with the ferocity of one thousand screaming expressions of the men that this society has disregarded
That line is kind of good. Too long and has grammar mistakes, but it has a shred of something that makes me think you could write something meaningful without spitting in our faces.
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Old 06-06-2007, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by De Alba View Post
Let it fall.
Let the world fall on me
Let it tear upon me
Let the spicks and the gooks and niggers tear a piece of flesh off me and eat it
Let the homos come and smell and fester on my fetus like they want to
Let the politicians make the laws that will condemn me for the rest of my life
Let that bitch of a mother isolate my soul to the very deep shadows of her heart
Let the homes of the men that uphold the law paint themselves with the shadows of my soul when they sentence me to my death
Let the prison that they hold down on cave in with the ferocity of one thousand screaming expressions of the men that this society has disregarded
Let the bodies of the of my victims decay where ever they may be and turn into the shit that we use to breed ourselves.
Let it all fall on me
Because I killed many and I felt good about it
Because I took I life that I did not create and it made understand you God
Because now I know you and feel close to you
Because I feel like I regained my faith by committing a murder and now I believe in you my lord Jesus Christ
So let it fall
Hello,

If I am to judge by your poetry, you seem to be a very hurt and angry person. No criticism intended, just an observation. Have had my share of the bad stuff. I found that writing helped me come to terms with my experiences by requiring me to impose some kind of 'order' on them in a kind of 'sifting and winnowing' process. I think that this is what you need to do - sift and winnow. Also, you might find it helpful to impose some restrictions on yourself with regard to the form or your poem. Nothing like 'structure' to make you search for the most concise and precise word. Regards. Hekate
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Old 06-06-2007, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by De Alba View Post
Because I killed many and ....felt good about it.......
..... now I know you and feel close to you.......
....... my lord Jesus Christ.
I find this to be flawed because it's the complete opposite of what Jesus Christ stood for.
Jesus died on the cross to be reconciled to us. Killing was not something he asked in return for us to do to feel close or to know him. The only thing he supports is love of each other.
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