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Persephone

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Old 07-13-2014, 12:42 AM
JoshuaCan (Offline)
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Set on a farm world. Persephone was the goddess of the harvest, and wife of hades, lord of the underworld.

Persephone

As the heavens sparkled over the Canyon side, Scott sat in the grass, listening to the symphony of wind hum in the trees. The breeze gently quieted until only the stream below sounded against the rocky night.

Here was Scott's favorite get away; a serene contradiction to the city sounds that seemed so distant. This was unclaimed land like most of his new world. Transplanted when he was four, Scott had few memories of his former life in the Centauri system. Persephone was a luscious farm world, dominated by grasslands that stretched unto the black horizon.

Scott had learned in history books that the Homeworld had a moon. Persephone's sky, however, was owned solely by an inky darkness dotted by those fiery balls of plasma that Man had yet to reach. For over a decade he had kept this place as his secret, so careful to tread a new path upon every visit, lest paradise be lost.

But even within such tender solemnity, Scott was newly gripped by an uneasiness tonight. He was not normally accompanied by such feelings here, promoting him to wonder if something else was present. Peeking above the tall grass, he spotted a shadowy blur making its way to his paradise.

Quickly ducking back into the grass, he elected to keep quiet, hoping in silence that the shadow would head elsewhere.

Yet the sound of flattened grass grew louder and drew closer. In his utter stillness, he heard the rhythmic breathing of another being rustle past him. Emerging in the short distance, the darkened figure ambled to a stop at the cliff side and sat down. It dangled its feet about the mouth of the canyon, and gazed upon the greenery that stood afar.

...


Last edited by JoshuaCan; 07-13-2014 at 12:47 AM..
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Old 07-13-2014, 06:42 AM
IanG (Offline)
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This is an intreguing start and with vivid descriptions. 'Rustle' might've been better than 'hum' in this context, and 'a short distance away' or 'short distance between them' better than 'in the short distance,' but overall the effect is good.

Also, you spelt Canyon with an upper case 'c' the first time. If its not a place name, it should be lower case.

I hope this helps.
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Old 07-13-2014, 08:20 AM
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max crash (Offline)
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You can paint a beautiful picture.

I hesitated at one point, 'a shadowy blur' is his eye site bad surly he can tell something about the blur- is it bipedal and walks upright.
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Old 07-13-2014, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by JoshuaCan View Post
In his utter stillness, he heard the rhythmic breathing of another being rustle past him. Emerging in the short distance, the darkened figure ambled to a stop at the cliff side and sat down. It dangled its feet about the mouth of the canyon, and gazed upon the greenery that stood afar....
Something not quite right about this. Perhaps:
Lying completely still in the tall grass, he heard the rhythmic breathing of another being grow louder, and then pass his hiding spot.

Not sure about this either:
Emerging in the short distance, (emerging from the tall grass?) the dark figure ambled to a stop at the cliff side and sat down. It dangled its feet over the mouth of the canyon, and gazed upon the greenery that stood afar.

More, please!

M
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Old 07-16-2014, 10:50 AM
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Icon9 Persephone

In this draft, the setting and contrast are very strong. Quality. You really can keep building the plot from the setting and contrast. The movement in the plot complements and strengthens the contrasts.

You make good use of the contrast between the sounds of the wind and running stream and the sounds of the city. Also, Persephone's sky is a good contrast. Instead of light place, it is a little more dark. It makes me wonder moe about the goddess.

Moving on to the setting of the grasslands and trees, at first it all seems a little desirable. As the sky is moving we begin to worry about the dangers that may be ahead. We want to know more about the dark character coming to the setting.

An improvement would be adding an anecdote about the goddess. We would like to see her make a decision of some sort that will set things in order.
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