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Meeting (336 words)

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Old 07-17-2014, 01:04 PM
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Default Meeting (336 words)


Oh my... It's been forever since I've been here... At any rate, I actually wrote this during school, and went back and edited it some (or, well... The first three paragraphs, anyway) to make it at least presentable for feedback. Without any further rambling on my part, here it is:


A long, dreary yawn rolled out of the gryphon's beak like a grey fog rolling through the stone rotunda of the town's public library. Evander wasn't concerned, however, if some of the library's other patrons could hear his yawning or his talons dancing lazily with a "tipitipitaptap" on the tabletop, even if a few gave the minute creature less than polite stares. As bright and intelligent as he was, sitting on a raised cushion seat in the middle of a sea of rotting pages and wrinkled, squinting faces was not how the gryphon wanted to spend the afternoon.

Naturally, his eyes wandered toward the only interesting thing in the building; the giant antique clock resting on the wall beside him. Tick-tock, tick-tock it went, the old pendulum swinging lazily from one end of its arc to the other, moving the hands on the face to the current reading: 2:39. Evander almost moaned at the antiquated timepiece for doing its job; he didn't want to see that he had been sitting there, at that table for nearly two hours when the city park was much more appealing to the gryphon with its open air and pretty shrubberies than the tall shelves and stone ceilings of the library he was currently sitting in. He was just about to hop out of his seat to leave when the crisp tap, tap, tap of fine dress shoes reached his ears from the shelves behind him.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long, Evander," said an aged man as he walked out from behind one of the tall shelves. James Sinclair was surprisingly healthy for a man his age, walking confidently across the stone tile floor without limp or hobble. His broad shoulders and full beard lent to him an air of authority and respect that few of his fellow lawmakers came close to attaining. "Those damned lobbyists are persistent. Even as I started walking out of the door, they wouldn't stop pestering me."

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Old 07-17-2014, 03:40 PM
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ok I can usually see where a story is going but I can't this one - please continue.
sea of rotting pages and wrinkled, squinting faces... sorry changed my mind on that one, just read it wrong, I thought you needed to move the word pages to after wrinkled. But there is still something derailing about the statement. just can't put my finger on it.

library he was currently sitting in. Don't take this wrong; I use prepositions at the end of sentences all the time. But it doesn't fit with the rest of the written story, in this case. maybe - library where he was currently sitting.

I'll watch for more of the story
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Old 07-17-2014, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by max crash View Post
ok I can usually see where a story is going but I can't this one - please continue.
sea of rotting pages and wrinkled, squinting faces... sorry changed my mind on that one, just read it wrong, I thought you needed to move the word pages to after wrinkled. But there is still something derailing about the statement. just can't put my finger on it.

library he was currently sitting in. Don't take this wrong; I use prepositions at the end of sentences all the time. But it doesn't fit with the rest of the written story, in this case. maybe - library where he was currently sitting.

I'll watch for more of the story
Thank you for the feedback. I was curious, though... What is derailing about ".. . a sea of rotting pages and wrinkled, squinting faces... "?
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Old 07-17-2014, 04:16 PM
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originally I thought the pages were wrinkled and didn't attach the wrinkles to the faces until a second read. does that help, it could just me but...
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Old 07-19-2014, 10:54 AM
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Icon10 Meeting

Setting and movement give make this plot. Only a meeting of a couple people at a town library, the movement and location carries the action. Nothing else is needed.

The setting, a library helps to establish some expectations and ground rules for readers. We know that nothing very violent or profane should be expected from this location. We almost expect to find the two talking slowly or silent.

Movement in the plot occurs with the gryphon. They are very suspicious beings when it comes to time-space theory. An antiquated clock also helps to relay some of the movement in the plot. It's almost like a subplot to the meeting at the library.

I get it. To improve have the gryphon moving through out the plot. Let us see how it makes its decisions.
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