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Afternoon Nap

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  #1  
Old 12-03-2014, 06:26 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
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Default Afternoon Nap


In fall breeze, dead leaves hiss;
wind chimes ring.

Stifled bursts
of children laughing
break muted, corny
cartoon songs.

Yellow light
on soft, white weave;
anticipated,
rote connection.

Your profile cloaked
in shifting shadows,
an unfamiliar face
revealed.

A vague display
of pictures
fading;
recollections,
distant voices.

Soft rays show
the strand of gray,
the shallow crease
beside your mouth—

a waning moon
beneath the eye.

Pillow-muted sigh;
a puzzling murmur.

Wake up now. Say something.

Remind me.

Your sleepy rasp,
that same sly smile;
a joyous flash
of recognition
ignites the autumn afternoon.


Last edited by JoeMatt; 12-06-2014 at 04:58 AM..
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  #2  
Old 12-04-2014, 04:27 AM
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Mohican (Offline)
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This is a nice piece, Joe. I like it.

I would leave out the first comma and have it read
In Fall breeze dead leaves hiss.

That's just a style preference and not any Spag-tastic thing on my part.

Again, I like this.
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:36 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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Some nice content and interesting enjambment, but the overall effect is really choppy.
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  #4  
Old 12-06-2014, 04:06 AM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
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Mohican -- glad it worked for you. Thanks for reading.

Lon -- maybe it's the line length -- a lot shorter than my usual stuff. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Cheers.
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