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Deadline -- Would you want to read this?

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Old 06-11-2010, 03:40 AM
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Default Deadline -- Would you want to read this?


I am starting on a new novel, it is to be called Deadline. I thought this title up while sleeping, and got the story in my head. Thank God I remembered it

I have two paragraphs, and decided to post them here to see if you would like to read it. Did it hook you?


Deadline


_____At a young age, people learn to believe that everything that happens is the work of a divine deity. Whether or not this is true, however, I cannot say. So much has happened to convince me it is true, but much has also convinced me that it is only a myth and no divine hand interferes with our mortal lives. Everyone knows there is a solid line between life and death, between the living – and the dead. What should happen if that line is torn? What should happen if there is no longer a solid line between the living and the dead.
_____The dead are envious of us living mortals. We still see the world clearly, and can go about our normal lives. They cannot. The world is blurry to them, it has no color, and it is dim, dark, and horrible. The dead often try to find ways to possess us mortals, and that can often happen through the use of Ouija boards and people summoning or calling the dead. The line only protects against them coming through, uninvited. However, if they are invited, they can do anything.


Last edited by pivotraze; 06-12-2010 at 10:53 AM..
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Old 06-11-2010, 05:06 AM
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To be honest with you, I really liked the premise until the Ouija board part, I think because I don't know anyone over 12 that uses one (unless of course this is aimed for a younger audience?) But up until then it sounded really promising, and I liked the title.
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Old 06-11-2010, 06:40 AM
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I would like to find out more about it, it seems like these first two paragraphs would develop into something interesting that people would get hooked into
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Old 06-11-2010, 08:30 AM
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I would have liked to see more story and less exposition. This looks like the start of "Seances for Beginners".
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Old 06-11-2010, 10:13 AM
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This story sounds a bit Stephen King-ish, but it looks really good. Keep writing and show us the results!
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Old 06-11-2010, 12:19 PM
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Thanks a ton everyone A lot more is being posted now: (It isn't stephen king sorta, since it is a fantasy novel Or... hmm... I'm not entirely sure of the direction of the book, and liking the fantasy way... but maybe a suspense novel would be pretty nice... Gotta think about it )

------------------------------------------------------------

______At a young age, people learn to believe that everything that happens is the work of a divine deity. Whether or not this is true, however, I cannot say. So much has happened to convince me it is true, but much has also convinced me that it is only a myth and no divine hand interferes with our mortal lives. Everyone knows there is a solid line between life and death, between the living – and the dead. What should happen if that line is torn? What should happen if there is no longer a solid line between the living and the dead?
_____The dead are envious of us living mortals. We still see the world clearly, and can go about our normal lives. They cannot. The world is blurry to them, it has no color, and it is dim, dark, and horrible. The dead often try to find ways to possess us mortals, and that can often happen through people summoning or calling the dead. The line only protects against them coming through, uninvited. However, if they are invited, they can do anything.
_____We have seen many an instance where a mortal is possessed by the dead. All we can do is kill them, to save so many others. We of the land of Gauckbur are an organized society, we follow structured rules, but we are also of varied races, and not all are willing to worship the same God, or to follow our rules.
_____We have the Orcs to the high, mountainous west, and the elves centered in the middle of Gauckbur. The Airi to the swampy south, and the Dwarves to the rocky east, while the humans just settle anywhere they feel. The north is truly just an uninhabited deserty wasteland. The Orcs live in a godless society and strive to rise to the ranks of a warlord. Their society is centered on war, and they work to show themselves through it.
_____The Elves are a society centered on multiple gods. They have gods of land, air, sea, fire, and water. Each god handles all things derived from those, or directly of those things. The Airi worship their dead ancestors, as each of their ancestors supposedly rise to the rank of a god if they lived their lives fully and strived hard in all aspects of their society, such as work war.
_____The Dwarves have only one god. But their god is not the same as the one of us humans. Their god is known as Stryrr and he is the rock god. The Dwarves society is centered on rock, and as such, their crowning jewel is a rock carved to be an exact replica of their first three kings. Finally, we humans worship the one and only true God, Yahweh, who made the races and the world from his great idea.
_____Sadly, there are those who worship the dead, and all they wish to do is tear that line between us living, and the dead. Most of the users have Majic, which allows them to control the world around them, though there are worse means that some users have learned. Necromancy is the worst of majic, and allows them to call the dead to tell them things, fight for them, or help them live long lives. The mages guild banned necromancy, and they forced the emporer, Oughar Thraiv the second, to ban necromancy to even be practiced.
_____That did not stop them, and now all of Mythic Serd, the ones who wish to break the lines between the living and the dead, know how to use the majic of necromancy. They have not succeeded yet, though, because the majic of necromancy is easy to detect, and the mages guild has men watching for it all of the day.



What do you think with this longer version of it Should I keep it in the fantasy setting, or change it over to a suspense/horror setting?

Last edited by pivotraze; 06-12-2010 at 10:53 AM..
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Old 06-11-2010, 01:30 PM
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Here is a suspense version I wrote! Frankly, I found it funner and easier to write!
---------------------------------------------

_____I am an adventurer. I love exploring the unknown and delving into the deepest, darkest corners of caves and old ruins. I have gone across the world, exploring the unknown, from Germany to America, and even to the Mayan ruins of Mexico. No country had better ruins than the other. Each countries ruins had their own dark secrets, from the Mayan’s sacrificing living, breathing humans, and grabbing their beating heart from their body; to the German holocaust and holding camps for Jews.
_____I am currently in the ruins of Staffordshire County Asylum in Britain currently. It is the most haunted place I have been in in my time of exploring. I found secrets that have nearly made me pee my pants, and some things I can never un-see. Staffordshire must have been hell to live in. I could not imagine living in here during it’s time of use.
_____Stepping over some rubble of a crumbled wall, I find a dark pathway that must have been hidden behind this wall. Curiosity killed the cat, and it will be sure to kill me. I turn on my flashlight and head through this mysterious cave. Strangely, it is lit. There are candles on either side of this cave, but that doesn’t deter me.
_____Suddenly, I notice there are no candles, feeling a little creeped out, I wonder if I should head back, but decide against it. Maybe three hundred feet back am I in this cavern, and suddenly, I see a luminous, foreboding purple light. I walk slowly and carefully towards the light. What I see as soon as I enter this purple light makes me nauseous. There is a man with a huge cut where his heart should be, recent I would presume, as the smell is still permeating the air, and he still has skin, and muscle on him. I feel I should call the police, but decide to look around more.
_____Whoever found this place has turned it into a place of torture. There are people hanging upside down, dead, from chains tied to the roof. Other people are ripped in two from some kind of torture device that pulls them apart, one I have never seen. Finally, I come upon a most gruesome sight, a man with bite marks with chunks of muscle and skin missing, and blood draining from a cut on his neck, still. It must be very recent.
_____I pull out my cell phone and notice there is no service, I try calling 9-1-1 but it still gets no reply. I turn around and head back the way I came. I get to the candles and know I am getting close to the end. As I reach the end, step over the rubble, and head back out the way I came, I hear a growling. I turn around, scared, and see a rabid dog. I start to run and grab out my pepper spray. The dog jumps at me and I hit him in the eyes just in time with the pepper spray.
_____The dog hits the ground hard and starts whimpering while I continue running on. I must let the police know of this gruesome scene. I get outside and notice it is dark. I must have been in there for at least an hour or two!
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14 year old mystery/suspense/fantasy novelist
Current Novel: Deadline - 1% compelete (552 words)
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Last edited by pivotraze; 06-11-2010 at 01:33 PM..
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  #8  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:29 PM
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I like the premise at first, sounded very philosophical, then you lost me with the whole Ouija board thing.
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Old 06-13-2010, 07:43 AM
pivotraze (Offline)
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Yea, I dropped the fantasy idea and changed to a suspense/horror idea, so I crossed out the old story in this topic, can you read the new one right about your last post?
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14 year old mystery/suspense/fantasy novelist
Current Novel: Deadline - 1% compelete (552 words)
My Blog:
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by pivotraze View Post
Here is a suspense version I wrote! Frankly, I found it funner and easier to write!
---------------------------------------------

_____I am an adventurer. I love exploring the unknown and delving into the deepest, darkest corners of caves and old ruins. I have gone across the world, exploring the unknown, from Germany to America, and even to the Mayan ruins of Mexico. No country had better ruins than the other. Each countries ruins had their own dark secrets, from the Mayanís sacrificing living, breathing humans, and grabbing their beating heart from their body; to the German holocaust and holding camps for Jews.
_____I am currently in the ruins of Staffordshire County Asylum in Britain currently. It is the most haunted place I have been in in my time of exploring. I found secrets that have nearly made me pee my pants, and some things I can never un-see. Staffordshire must have been hell to live in. I could not imagine living in here during itís time of use.
_____Stepping over some rubble of a crumbled wall, I find a dark pathway that must have been hidden behind this wall. Curiosity killed the cat, and it will be sure to kill me. I turn on my flashlight and head through this mysterious cave. Strangely, it is lit. There are candles on either side of this cave, but that doesnít deter me.
_____Suddenly, I notice there are no candles, feeling a little creeped out, I wonder if I should head back, but decide against it. Maybe three hundred feet back am I in this cavern, and suddenly, I see a luminous, foreboding purple light. I walk slowly and carefully towards the light. What I see as soon as I enter this purple light makes me nauseous. There is a man with a huge cut where his heart should be, recent I would presume, as the smell is still permeating the air, and he still has skin, and muscle on him. I feel I should call the police, but decide to look around more.
_____Whoever found this place has turned it into a place of torture. There are people hanging upside down, dead, from chains tied to the roof. Other people are ripped in two from some kind of torture device that pulls them apart, one I have never seen. Finally, I come upon a most gruesome sight, a man with bite marks with chunks of muscle and skin missing, and blood draining from a cut on his neck, still. It must be very recent.
_____I pull out my cell phone and notice there is no service, I try calling 9-1-1 but it still gets no reply. I turn around and head back the way I came. I get to the candles and know I am getting close to the end. As I reach the end, step over the rubble, and head back out the way I came, I hear a growling. I turn around, scared, and see a rabid dog. I start to run and grab out my pepper spray. The dog jumps at me and I hit him in the eyes just in time with the pepper spray.
_____The dog hits the ground hard and starts whimpering while I continue running on. I must let the police know of this gruesome scene. I get outside and notice it is dark. I must have been in there for at least an hour or two!
Are you really fourteen? Seriously, like, that is... wait let me break it down for you! The images you conjure are things people are all famialar with so you don't need to describe them - everyone has thier own ideas about other places so you flood them with images that drags them into the story as if they have read four chapters already! Abjectives! Yes! Congradulations, anyone that says this is not... wait. The main character is a hero, so you won't pull people with dark fantasies about how powerful they are, oh please! The fact that the main character is 'pure' yet experienced is... wait.

The only thing that messes it up slightly is your event, being that it ends too quickly.

Ok you have been waiting, and waiting. Simply your story is fantastic.
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  #11  
Old 06-14-2010, 07:12 AM
pivotraze (Offline)
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Thank you I'll drag the event out more, make it a longer scene I'll work on writing some more to it.
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14 year old mystery/suspense/fantasy novelist
Current Novel: Deadline - 1% compelete (552 words)
My Blog:
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