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Hitorical fiction for young adults

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  #1  
Old 06-09-2010, 09:49 AM
Katy546 (Offline)
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Default Hitorical fiction for young adults


By the way I would have put more on but my computer keeps deleting stuff so I need to find the file


Prologue

It was 1925 when it all began…

There was a distinct bawling in the usually quiet corner of the yard, I ran over to have a look who it was, and unsurprisingly it was Hans Braun. Hans was a little lad, blond hair and from German descent. He had scraped his knee and was too shy to tell anyone, so I picked him up, got hold of his hand and pulled him over to Miss McCall,
the reception teacher.

“Hello Frank, Hans. Oh dear, we need to wipe up that knee don’t we?” Miss McCall pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, sat Hans down and wiped his knee clean.
I got pulled aside by Miss McCall and she said “ Frank, be a good lad and play with Hans. He hasn’t got many friends.” I smiled and replied. “ Of course, Miss…”

We were inseparable after that.


Last edited by Katy546; 06-09-2010 at 10:10 AM..
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Old 06-10-2010, 01:41 PM
Ollzie (Offline)
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It was 1925 when it all began…

There was an audible cry in the normally quiet corner of the yard. I ran over to see who it was. Unsurprisingly, it was Hans Braun. Hans was a little lad with blond hair and of German descent. He had scraped his knee and was too shy to tell anyone. So, I took his hand and pulled him over to Miss McCall,
the reception teacher.

“Hello Frank and Hans," she greeted. "Oh dear! We need to wipe up that knee.” Miss McCall pulled a handkerchief from her pocket, sat Hans down, and wiped his knee clean.

She then took me aside and said “Frank, please be a good lad and play with Hans. He doesn't have many friends.”
You should always begin a new paragraph when a different character speaks. It is very rare when this doesn't happen.
I smiled and replied. “ Of course, Miss McCall."

We were inseparable after that. We have been inseperable since.



This is a very good start. I look forward to reading more.

-Ollzie
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Last edited by Ollzie; 06-11-2010 at 05:17 AM.. Reason: I messed up in editing something...
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Old 06-11-2010, 01:07 AM
Casper (Offline)
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I'm thinking that maybe it's a Prologue set in 1925 because in Chapter 1 they will be older - therfore making Hans being German of significance because of WW2. That's how I read it anyway. The only thing I'd change personally would be to just put '1925' at the top, so we know when it's set without it intruding into the story.
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Old 06-13-2010, 03:45 AM
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It was 1925 when it all began…
Personally i think this should be, "It all began in 1925". This adds further emphasis to the "It all began" part. Why put the most interesting part of the sentence at the end?


There was a distinct bawling in the usually quiet corner of the yard, I ran over to have a look who it was, and unsurprisingly, it was Hans Braun.
Remove the comma in red (replace it with a full stop).


Hans was a little lad, blond hair and from German descent. He had scraped his knee and was too shy to tell anyone, so I picked him up, got hold of his hand and pulled him over to Miss McCall, the reception teacher.
I think you could vary your sentence length a little here. All of your sentence are roughly the same length. For example, you could write it like this:

Hans was a little lad. (A small/short sentence emphasizes the smallness of Hans).

blond hair and from German descent. He had scraped his knee and was too shy to tell anyone, so I picked him up, got hold of his hand and pulled him over to Miss McCall, the reception teacher.

The comma could be replaced with a dash here, just to add a bit of variety.


“Hello Frank, Hans. Oh dear, we need to wipe up that knee don’t we?”
Add a comma after knee. I highlighted "knee" and "we" because it rhymes. If it was intentional rhyming, then it's okay. But if you don't want it to rhyme, then perhaps you could shuffle the wording around.

Miss McCall pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, sat Hans down and wiped his knee clean.

I got pulled aside by Miss McCall and she said “Frank, be a good lad and play with Hans. He hasn’t got many friends.” I smiled and replied. “ Of course, Miss…”
Add a comma after "I got pulled aside by Miss McCall and she said,".

Also add a comma after "I smiled and replied". (Instead of the full stop.)

We were inseparable after that.
I assume you mean the protagonist and Hans were inseparable? I wasn't quite sure. A good piece though, looks interesting. I would like to see more. Just remember: probably the two most valuable techniques a writer can use is word choice and sentence structure.
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