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Viking Story

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  #1  
Old 10-26-2017, 08:14 PM
BluntArrow (Offline)
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Default Viking Story


So this is a somewhat historically based fiction based on Olaf Triggveson who was King of Norway for his adulthood, but was a slave during his younger years. Just kind of messing about right now, seeing what works and what doesn't.
I am terrible with grammar, so any criticism on that is appreciated.
Very short right now, I'm prolly gonna keep updating it.
Cheers.


We were gathered around a small fire, the heat it provided was nowhere near enough to warm our freezing bodies. Yet we struggled to stay as close to it as possible, for we knew there was no other source of heat for miles around.
We had planned and prepared so much for winter, but nothing could have prepared us for this. A brutal blizzard which had battered our village for weeks. Most of the other villagers were already dead, and those that remained were ill and weak from the bitter cold that never seemed to go away.
My family had taken refuge in a weathered and beaten shack, too afraid to venture out into the snow. My mother did everything she could to keep me and my sister warm, however no amount of blankets could keep out the frigid weather.
My sister Assty’s was wrapped around me, in an attempt to share whatever body heat she could. The room around us was dim, except for the fire which had dwindled down to coals. The hard wood floor provided no comfort, and instead caused our legs to grow numb.
Food was also a distant memory to us, as we had gone nearly two weeks without it, the villainous Eric Bloodaxe had surrounded our village with soldiers, who would kill any hunters we sent out.
We were malnourished, and our bodies had grown thin and weak. It had become a struggle even to stand.


Last edited by BluntArrow; 10-30-2017 at 10:29 AM..
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  #2  
Old 10-30-2017, 04:09 AM
IanG (Offline)
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Try 'we had gathered around a fire, but its meagre heat was nowhere near enough to warm us.

A brutal blizzard had blown around our village for months.

'Keen me and my sister' should read 'keep me and my sister..'

'Was clung' isn't right, try 'was clinging.'

'Would floor' is also wrong, it ought to be 'wooden floor.'

I hope this helps.
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Old 10-30-2017, 10:21 AM
BluntArrow (Offline)
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Most of that was due to me not looking over it, already corrected it. Thanks a lot for pointing it out!
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Old 10-30-2017, 05:08 PM
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The corrections look much better - good job.

What are you doing, though? Keep going! It's impossible to tell if this story will be any good from the first few paragraphs.

I can say that - after your editing - the writing is good.

Keep going! And share with us what you come up with.
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Old 11-19-2017, 07:14 AM
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Default good

good
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Old 11-19-2017, 07:45 AM
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My mother did everything she could to keep me and my sister warm, however no amount of blankets could keep out the frigid weather.
My sister and I?

Food was also a distant memory to us, as we had gone nearly two weeks without it, the villainous Eric Bloodaxe had surrounded our village with soldiers, who would kill any hunters we sent out.
This run on sentence needs examined. If everything needs kept consider two sentences. (or so)
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:12 PM
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uggh. how do i delete forever?
copy

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Old 01-05-2018, 06:16 PM
Beesauce (Offline)
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Hi there. I know the formatting on the forum is difficult and does ruin paragraphs and formatting from all the various softwares, but what I notice about this piece is that it has paragraphs that are doing damage to the way the story flows for the readers imagination doesn’t need such short small paragraphs. I might might do a couple strikeouts, but not much:


We were gathered around a small fire, the heat it (strikeout: it provided was nowhere near enough to warm our freezing bodies. (perhaps a comma would suffice) Yet we struggled to stay as close to it as possible, for we knew there was no other source of heat for miles around. We had planned and prepared so much for winter, but nothing could have prepared us for this. A
(strikeout: A) brutal blizzard which had battered our village for weeks. Most of the other villagers were already dead, and those that remained were ill and weak from the bitter cold that never seemed to go away.


My family had taken refuge in a weathered and beaten shack, too afraid to venture out into the snow. My m Mother (strikeout: My) did everything she could to keep me and my sister warm, however no amount of blankets could keep out the frigid weather. My s Sister (strikeout: My) Assty’s was wrapped around me, in an attempt to share whatever body heat she could. The room around us was dim, except for the fire which (that or a comma) had dwindled down to coals. (could use a comma instead ) The hard wood floor provided no comfort, and instead caused our legs to grow numb.


Food was also (strikeout: also) a distant memory to us, as (strikeout: to us, as) we had (I’d suggest a contraction: we’d.) gone nearly two weeks without it, the villainous Eric Bloodaxe had surrounded our village with soldiers (soldiers or Vikings? You could also include description of armor, weapons, etc.), who would kill any hunters we sent out. We were m Malnourished, and our (strikeout: we were ...and) bodies had grown thin and weak. (suggest a comma here) It had become a struggle even (strikeout: even) to stand.

---

This is a great start to a piece that could keep going and include much more surrounding the historical details and what exactly ‘Eric Bloodaxe’ and his Vikings.

thanks for sharing.
hope this crit. helps

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