Untitled

wkreuz · #1 01-10-2007, 06:07 AM

A Long Time Gone
Dust floating on legs of sunlight that
crash through windows in the
late afternoon,
settling, finally it rests, waiting
to be stirred again by the stroke
of a finger or the breath of a sigh.

Left alone, penetrating the sheets
covering lives forgotten,
memories reach for the surface, but
buried deep, are choked by the
indifference of time.

Caine · #2 01-10-2007, 07:21 AM

I like this very much. My only concern (one which could easily be ignored) is the ambiguity of what "it" is. A dust mote? A memory? Death?

In a way, the ambiguity works. Most people, however, will have some difficulty grabbing on to anything solid here.

wkreuz · #3 01-10-2007, 12:39 PM

The ambiguity was on purpose in order to allow people to read into the poem what they will. It would have been too easy to identify "it" as dust. In reality "it" is all the things you mentioned. When I wrote this I saw a room closed off, it and everything in it no longer relavent, covered in sheets and buried in dust. The poem is a metaphor for memories in the process of dying.

JRT · #4 01-10-2007, 08:39 PM

wkreuz · #5 01-11-2007, 03:25 AM

This actually has nothing to do with suicide, at least not in any traditional sense. Perhaps instead of saying that this poem was a metaphor for memories in the process of dying, I should have said in the process of fading away. I'm not certain I understand what "wake up and kick ass, take names" refers to.

JRT · #6 01-17-2007, 11:26 AM

riverstone · #7 01-17-2007, 02:36 PM

It floatsFloating on legs of sunlight that
crash through windows in the
late afternoon,
settling, finally it rests, waiting
to be stirred again by the stroke
of a finger or the breath of a sigh.

I like the first verse a lot, but some minor changes can make it more consistent in verb use. And the second seems to change a bit in the construction and distracts me for a moment. You might consider these changes -

Left alone, it covers a story forgotten.
Penetrates the sheets of time,
steals the life that once filled this room.
Shrouded in gray, memories reach for the surface.
They are buried too deep,
choked by the indifference of time.

Rushing between students so no time to explain further - IMHO, as always.

I like the tone, the mystery and the pace that feels like that slow movement of memories through time, sunlight through the pane, thoughts and emotions struggling for expression - nice.
Kit

wkreuz · #8 01-18-2007, 09:36 AM

Thanks for the ideas. Let me make some changes and see what it looks like.