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ONE SANE MOMENT 240 words

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Old 11-07-2017, 02:37 PM
jimr (Offline)
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Default ONE SANE MOMENT 240 words


ONE SANE MOMENT

Tween days in September moved slow, pacing themselves with long stretches of blue-charcoal-gray sky and perfectly timed simooms blowing at the tree heads, time ticked like an unwound clock and the traffic oozed along as if drivers had forgotten where they were hurrying all summer, New York plates sprang up like wanted posters and even these feisty city rats desisted running yellows and reds anymore, even the foliage stubbornly remained green just like the world had stopped moving, you might think your blood had stopped moving, or your breath, and you could live in this moment forever, but if you were Janet Brick, with the two jobs and three girls and fifty-six thousand left to pay on the bungalow, you cherished this chunk of reality with a spritzer and a macaroon on a patio filled with toys, you toasted Mayville’s quietude and the longest Saturday you’d ever seen, secretly though, like that awful dream that wouldn’t let go, you knew that in six or seven or eight seconds a phone would ring or roughneck Cindy would break somebody’s window on the block, possibly Ali might start a cult that required candles, or maybe Suz’s latest sartorial protest would demand an immediate audience, whatever it was it would be world-shaking and eminently more important than anything so dreary as a poor woman regaining her sanity, and your day would begin moving again.







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Old 11-11-2017, 04:33 PM
Elenita (Offline)
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Is it deliberately punctuated like this? Because if it was divided into sentences and maybe even into two paragraphs it would be a lot easier to read and appreciate the talent here
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Old 11-13-2017, 06:12 PM
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Hahahah I loved this
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Old 11-17-2017, 05:21 PM
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My immediate point is, please fuck paragraphs- before I have read it. It might even belong in one pargraph, but please God paragraphs.

Tween days in September moved slow, pacing themselves with long stretches of blue-charcoal-gray sky and perfectly timed simooms blowing at the tree heads, time ticked like an unwound clock and the traffic oozed along as if drivers had forgotten where they were hurrying all summer,

Ok, this is purple yet pretty, but please a full stop.

New York plates sprang up like wanted posters and even these feisty city rats desisted running yellows and reds anymore, even the foliage stubbornly remained green just like the world had stopped moving,

Ok, that was try hard. You were stretching for purple then: Natural purple is almost acceptable (but not), but reaching purple is not good.

you might think your blood had stopped moving, or your breath, and you could live in this moment forever, but if you were Janet Brick, with the two jobs and three girls and fifty-six thousand left to pay on the bungalow, you cherished this chunk of reality with a spritzer and a macaroon on a patio filled with toys, you toasted Mayville’s quietude and the longest Saturday you’d ever seen, secretly though, like that awful dream that wouldn’t let go,

There are so many clauses here (and this is only halfway through), I forgot the important ones. Make your sentences meaningful, do not fill them with inanities.

you knew that in six or seven or eight seconds a phone would ring or roughneck Cindy would break somebody’s window on the block, possibly Ali might start a cult that required candles, or maybe Suz’s latest sartorial protest would demand an immediate audience, whatever it was it would be world-shaking and eminently more important than anything so dreary as a poor woman regaining her sanity, and your day would begin moving again.

ok, you have a skill lost behind overlong (slightly obnoxious) sentence structure. Your sentences are simply too long with too much information. Make it shorter and sharper.

Also @bluewpc are we reading the same thing? Stop liking everything, it is actively destructive.

Last edited by Chinspinner; 11-17-2017 at 05:31 PM..
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