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The Jim Palmer Fastball

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  #1  
Old 10-26-2017, 01:44 PM
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Default The Jim Palmer Fastball


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Old 10-26-2017, 02:43 PM
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A very good read and well-written
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Old 10-26-2017, 06:13 PM
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Hahah this is good. Are you going to continue?

One thing you left out the word know:

I don’t who those kids were, okay? You think I would be cheating on you with a bunch of damn kids not even out of high school?”
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Old 10-26-2017, 06:18 PM
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I think it's finished. What do you think?
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Old 10-26-2017, 06:20 PM
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It works great as a standalone but lordy you could have this as the prologue to a murder story. On the other hand it is good to know when to end.
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Old 10-26-2017, 06:27 PM
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Hmmm that's interesting. I hadn't thought of that.

If I did it, I think it would start off with Garrett or Fishhead reading about the murder of a local waitress, recognizing her picture in the paper, maybe. Then hijinks would ensue.

But I'm going to leave it alone for now. Maybe in the future...
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Old 10-26-2017, 06:40 PM
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Whatever you do best of luck and would like to read more from you. Often people say whats wrong and not whats right.

So one thing you got right was that the setup was done efficiently and without obvious narrative weight. Im thinking of the panties. And then when theyre reintroduced theres no buildup to that reintroduction it just happens. You dont give the reader time to anticipate. Its very good.
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Old 10-26-2017, 07:17 PM
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Wow. This story captivated me from start to finish. The switch between POV worked perfectly here. You set the scenes and characters perfectly too, this is basically a perfect story
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Old 10-27-2017, 06:32 AM
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Well-written, and moves along at quite a brisk pace. I certainly don't have any major criticisms, but you might want to tighten up in one or two places. For instance, the following:

'Wracked by anxiety, she followed the tracks in the snow, so much like breadcrumbs leading to and from her own infidelity. She was a nervous wreck, but there wasn’t much she could do about it now.'

Two references to her emotional state so close together; one would do.


Some other, very minor stuff: the 'lying cheating whore' refrain became a bit tedious for me. Also, you use a lot of dashes.

But like I said, nothing major to pick over here. Good work.
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