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The Secret eaters club.

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  #1  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:43 AM
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Default The Secret eaters club.


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Old 07-31-2013, 01:08 PM
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The only suggestion I might have is that perhaps the part about the son's lack of a birthday gift come before the wife's present. It was just a bit confusing and I just felt that the story of the wife's gift might end that segment better.

Overall, I found the piece very entertaining. The conversational style made it seem as if the character was actually telling the story. I enjoyed it.
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:29 PM
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Loved this. Great style Rincewind. It put me in mind of Adrian Mole, and also a male version of other Sue Townsend characters. Great observations, very funny and distinctly British.

My only suggestion would be to change kilos to stones as some one of his age would have grown up with imperial measurements and he doesn't seem like the kind of chap to welcome all that "European nonsense" of grams and kilos.

I'll be looking out for more of this.
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by glwwlg View Post
The only suggestion I might have is that perhaps the part about the son's lack of a birthday gift come before the wife's present. It was just a bit confusing and I just felt that the story of the wife's gift might end that segment better.

Overall, I found the piece very entertaining. The conversational style made it seem as if the character was actually telling the story. I enjoyed it.
Thanks Glwwlg. You're right. It does read better that way, so i've changed it accordingly.
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Redlorry View Post
Loved this. Great style Rincewind. It put me in mind of Adrian Mole, and also a male version of other Sue Townsend characters. Great observations, very funny and distinctly British.

My only suggestion would be to change kilos to stones as some one of his age would have grown up with imperial measurements and he doesn't seem like the kind of chap to welcome all that "European nonsense" of grams and kilos.

I'll be looking out for more of this.
Thanks Redlorry. I see what you mean about the Kg's and Stone, and you're probably right. But aren't most scales measured in lbs and kg's these days? I shall have to investigate. As long as it doesnt involve me getting on one. That would be far too scary!
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Old 08-01-2013, 12:39 PM
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Most scales do include both measurements, but your MC strikes me as the sort of the chap who would stick with the imperial because thats what he knows and he likes what he knows and knows what he likes.
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Old 08-01-2013, 04:20 PM
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Hey there.
I really rather enjoyed this. It's very funny, and from what I've read so far, it could lead to a very interesting story. Also, I really like the title.
I do find the daughter a bit much right at the start, but it does feed into how the rest of the characters act so it's not a huge issue.
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Old 08-01-2013, 09:00 PM
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You have a very dry, even slightly understated, sense of humor that works very well in this story. Even though it's not my typical cup of tea, I'm enjoying it and looking forward to more.
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Old 08-02-2013, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by SaviourMCK View Post
Hey there.
I really rather enjoyed this. It's very funny, and from what I've read so far, it could lead to a very interesting story. Also, I really like the title.
I do find the daughter a bit much right at the start, but it does feed into how the rest of the characters act so it's not a huge issue.

I get what you mean about the daughter. I may bring in the crawling to Dad segment later in the story so we can see more of her teenage tantrums before then, as i did worry about her inconsistency at the start.
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Old 08-02-2013, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Synch View Post
You have a very dry, even slightly understated, sense of humor that works very well in this story. Even though it's not my typical cup of tea, I'm enjoying it and looking forward to more.
Thanks for your kind words, Synch. Although those members who have me on Facebook, will probably disagree about my understated sense of humour.
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Old 08-02-2013, 06:24 AM
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Maybe I should have said you used a dry, understated sense of humor for this story? lol
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Old 08-02-2013, 01:48 PM
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I like this. Funny with a hint of impending tragedy.

I would suggest getting rid of the dates and separating each entry with a blank space. But that's just because I don't like dates.
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Old 08-02-2013, 03:51 PM
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I'm not generally fond of them, save occasionally as chapter headers (I've done that on a couple fan fictions I wrote). However, this is intended to be a diary of sorts, so they work and make sense. To me anyway.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:52 AM
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September 11 has left me speechless.
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Old 08-08-2013, 03:03 PM
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As this is easily one of the better pieces I've seen here, I had to nominate you.
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Old 08-09-2013, 03:25 AM
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Shampooing a cat. That's a classic. I'm going to put it in my collection. Humor is far too rare a ingrediant in all types of writing these days. Keep using it well and your writing, like chocolate cake and freshly shampooed cat, will be tasty and enjoyable.
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Old 08-10-2013, 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Synch View Post
As this is easily one of the better pieces I've seen here, I had to nominate you.
Thanks Synch. Appreciate the thought.
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Old 08-10-2013, 06:40 AM
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I agree with JP_Inkswell, the "shampooing the cat" line was quite creative and funny. I imagine you could have several humorous variations of things done to "the cat" as well!

I also enjoyed how you used a diary entry style. I may need to try that format in the future. I found it a nice way to show the passing of time, and allows the character to narrate the story.

Well done.
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Old 08-18-2013, 06:42 AM
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:40 AM
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- I’d been hoping my wife may have washed and trimmed the cat.

Gold.

Nice story. Well done.
Pete
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  #21  
Old 09-17-2013, 04:00 AM
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Rinceiwnd! Wrist slap for posting more of your story in the original post. Please make new threads for new installments or I may miss them. Thanks to Pete, I didn't this time.

I liked the continuation very much. In some places the narration does get a bit samey, but I think that could be tightened up with a good edit. Loved the confrontation with the pub lanlord, I can jsut imagine. Please make sure you don't lose the diary style as that really works for me.
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:14 AM
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Hi Rincewind,

I've always enjoyed the diary form, I have happy memories of reading the Adrian Mole books as a child, and it is used in many great works - Robinson Crusoe and Rites of Passage spring to mind (although the latter is perhaps more a journal).

I have also enjoyed your excerpts which have some very funny lines, and shows the workings of a 'typical' if slightly dysfunctional family. What I particularly enjoy about this narrative technique is the often ironic contrast between the open self-communication of the diary, and the lack of real communication with others. I think you do this well.

A couple of things to keep in mind as you write (which i'm sure you do) are:

Why is Eric writing a diary? Who is he writing it for? What is his motivation?

and,

What is the diary charting? In order to keep our (the readers) interest over an extended narrative it is often necessary to chart not only the ups and downs of the MC's life but also some momentous event, whether private (such as a disease, or planning of a crime, or journey) or public (war, flood, etc).

All the best, it shows great potential.
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:49 AM
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What can I say? I loved it. Loved. The dry and droll humor and the way you displayed them is really impressive, especially modern inputs such as Facebook/Twitter, they really emphasize the era in which it's written. As for me, I'm fine with the dates as they're 'symbolic' (hehe) for 'em being diary entries.

Looking forward to more read of these fine masterpiece of yours.

Cheers,
LeWriter
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:45 AM
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Oooooh never noticed this had popped back up again. Thank you for your kind words everbody. They are much appreciated

And sorry Red, my bad I did vigorously edit the last segment not long after i posted it, and was going to start a new thread with some random entries at some point.

Can i ask what you mean by samey? Do you mean the general style? Or something in particular?
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:20 AM
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Samey, as in each new paragraph feels much like the last one, not in content but in rhythm and style, like they're following a set pattern. The paragraphs are all too familiar with each other.
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Redlorry View Post
Samey, as in each new paragraph feels much like the last one, not in content but in rhythm and style, like they're following a set pattern. The paragraphs are all too familiar with each other.
Cheers chuck. I shall investigate
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:29 PM
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I very much enjoyed this some of the imagery was fantastically funny.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:34 PM
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I highly enjoyed this even though it's not what I usually read. Would love to read more! There's not much I think I can say about it critique-wise, really, everyone else has covered everything!
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:46 AM
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Icon10 This was fabulous

What a refreshing read this was. The first set of entries was better written than the second I must say. Though the second set was still enjoyable, you might want to correct some of the grammar and re-work some of the sentence structures.

But that first set was flamin' hilarious. I openly chuckled at almost every entry. What a wonderful sense of humour, Rincewind, use it wisely and if you have any more of these gems let us all know!


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Old 09-29-2013, 04:02 PM
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Man, I feel for him. The character you created goes through such tortured and yet such hilarious circumstances. You've managed to make me despise the wife and kids, and feel sympathy for the MC. Hope to read more again soon!
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