Scify Novella: Pearlas (Excerpt) Part 2

[ghstarks]

Here you'll find the excerpts of 2 of my Novella Perlas. Please take a look and let me know what you think ofthe story.

Pearlas

By G.H. Starks

Part 1: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=39527
Part 3: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=40032
Part 4: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthrea...708#post520708
Part 5: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthrea...093#post522093
Part 6: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=40450
Part 7: (Coming Tuesday 08/27/12)
__________________________________________________ ___


Act 1: Down on His Luck

Chapter 1: Lost Part 2

Drift sat up quickly in bed and reached for a book he had laid upon his chest. He had fallen asleep with his favorite hardback many times before and grabbed for it out of reflex more than anything, catching it nine times out of ten. But this time he managed to grab only a hand full of damp clothing. Shrugging he felt a chill brought on by the cold sweat that had gripped him and watched lazily as his hard-copy of Ancient Seafaring fell from his chest and onto a data tablet laying about the floor at the side of his bed. The book struck the tablet causing the device to chirp.

The sleepy pilot looked down with half closed eyes toward a black inhaler of sorts, illuminated by the light of the data-pad in an otherwise dark room. The see through L-shaped container was empty. Drift stared at it for a long moment and frowned. He turned his attention to his electronic connection to the stars, the nick name for his trusty data pad. He watched as a number of headlines flashed across its screen. There was, Secret military deals and their commercial impacts. This was followed by Three dimensional navigation, the fact in the fiction. Next there was, Mythical planets legends and fairytales.” Finally the listing stopped scrolling, landing on a topic that raised an eyebrow.

“Finally,” he said.

Drift peered at an image of the gray rectangular haul of a Transient Class star freighter. Its metallic haul was covered in antennae so that that it looked like an enormous metal porcupine. Above the picture was the title, Ares; a historical review of lost ships and cargo that shouldn’t be lost. He smirked, shook his head, and looked toward what appeared to be a holographic clock set on a counter top across the room from his bed. Six o’clock, displayed in blue florescent block letters, twirled above a sleek black pedestal. It was no larger than a small book with rounded edges. Drift took note of a dot of red light flashing angrily through its crystal display. He groaned, lazily dragging himself out of bed and toward the mechanism.

“Would you like to hear your messages, Drift?” a robotic voice called as he neared. Though digital in tone it was obviously a female voice.

“TES, who called?” Drift responded.

The time faded away, replaced by the blue florescent image of the face of an aged woman of sixty years. Drift stared at her eyes. They were like those of his Joshua.

“So much alike. How long was the message?” he muttered.

“Mom’s, message ran exactly ten minutes.”

“The family dinner?”

“Yes?” said TES.

Drift shook his head emphatically.

“No, not right now,” He said.

There was a strange fatigue in Drift’s voice, part longing and part frightened.

“This is the twelfth message she has left. ‘Important’, I believe she said. They still love…”

“Not now! Just delete.”

Drift walked away from the counter.

“Owww!” he exclaimed. Looking down he could barely see anything in the pale blue light cast by TES. He took a seat back on his bed. Crossing his legs, he grabbed and rubbed his injured foot tenderly.

“Then do you want me to delete both messages, sir?”

“What… Sir… TES?” Drift eyed his government issued Techno Electronic Secretary or TES for short. The anger in his eyes melted away as he shook his head.

“I’m sorry, who?”

The image of the aged woman faded away and in its place the stern visage of a silver haired, square chine, rough neck of a man appeared before him. He bared a strange resemblance to Drift.

“Commander?”

“Yes Drift, shall I play back the message?”

“How long was it?”

“Two seconds, Drift.”

“No, no need. There is only one thing he could say in that time… ‘See me’” Drift said.

“As clairvoyant as always, Should I prep the hover-craft and synch the data pad?”

“Yeah TES, start with the data pad. That article I was looking for just arrived.”

“And mom?”

“TES, she is not my mom.” Drift answered.

“As you wish, deleting. Drift, how’s your foot? You should really clean the place.”

“Lights on TES, fifty percent luminance,” Drift said.

Soft white lights drew to a dim illumination, lighting the quaint officer dorm room that was Drift’s home. Drift looked about, eying his uniform about the floor, his obsidian pilot’s exoskeleton propped against a black bookcase in the corner, and the flight charts cluttering the counter. He scratched his head at the busted view screen decorating the wall and winced at his charcoal boots he had just stumbled upon. A pang of fatigue griped him at the thought of the work he estimated that would be required to clean his dorm room, then his eyes turned longingly toward a black metal briefcase of sorts which sat at the foot of his exoskeleton. With a sigh he laid back, I’ll take care of it later he thought.

“What the!” he exclaimed at the feeling of a sharp edge pressed against his back. Drift sat up quickly, turning to find a picture of his son. The digital photo case lay beside his sleek HK40 custom light pistol. He stared at the laser gun for a time and then looked away.

“Yeah TES, I guess you’re right.”

Drift turned his attention to his night-stand and stared at more of his vintage hard covers which sat on its top.

“I like the old ways,” he said and smiled.

Drift leaned over and touched the draw of his black crystal night-stand. As it opened, he reached inside and withdrew a black inhaler, his eyes fixed on the swirling glittery substance incased inside.

“Please don’t,” said TES.

“Do I really have a choice?” Drift said.

He chuckled and gripping the apparatus tightly exhaled hard, placed the business end of the inhaler in his mouth, closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. He grimaced at the too sweet metallic taste that flowed in to his mouth and shook his head in defiance of the biting sensation that tore at innards. It was like the stingers of a thousand bees pricking, feasting at all they could touch. In a spasm he dropped the inhaler, stiffened and rolled on to the black carpet of the floor. He jerked and gagged as veins rose beneath his skin at his neck and temples. His pupils dilated and before long he just laid there stiff and rigid, breathing shallow breaths.

“Drift,” TES called.

A minute later his body relaxed and he slowly rolled on to his knees.

“That initial kick is a mother. Mark time, TES,” Drift said, his voice raspy.

“Relais dose inhaled time 0615 hours. Stage one reaction Clarity begun, Stage two reaction Drive will occur at approximately 1215 hours, Stage three Wonderment will take affect at approximately 1815 hours, Comatae phase will begin at approximately 0015 hours. No schedule conflicts have been identified.”

“Thanks,” Drift said.

“Why do you do this to yourself? What if you were called to purpose during stage two or three,” TES said.

Drift stood tall, breathed deeply, looked at TES, and smiled. He raised his arms and tugged at the shoulders of his knight-shirt. He leaned from side to side in an attempt to pull it free, it was a struggle for his weakened limbs.

“That’s why you manage my schedule. Anyway, I can handle the Drive phase and tonight is really free after 1800 hours, right? I’ll be home before the phase three trip kicks in,” Drift said between grunts and jerks as he worked at freeing the damp shirt stuck about his head.

“And the Commander?”

“Doesn’t matter, he probably just want to chew me out for not taking the recommended leave.”

“Drift, that could be what you need,” TES said.

Drift yanked the shirt free of his head and stared at TES.

“That comment was a little too human. What else did she program into you? No, don’t answer that. Anyway, I am sort of taking time off. I haven’t gone off world in over a year, ever since…”

Drift let his words trail off to silence. He shook his head, knelt, and picked up the data tablet. Rising, he tossed it on to the bed. “Artificial intelligence?” he scoffed.

“Mrs. Striker thought highly of me,” TES said.

“My mother?” Drift chuckled.

“No Drift, the other Miss Striker,” TES replied.

Drift pulled his arms free of the shirt, walked over to the damaged view screen, and there he stood. He looked at the slender, unshaven, and stringy haired, reflection of himself in the mirrored cracked surface. He frowned at the un-kept sight.

“Yeah, I guess she did.” Drift said.

To be continued...

[Judith]

I like the story, you are a good Sci-Fi writer. Due to my dimness, I don't understand all the techno gadgets. You explain TES well, but I am a bit at the loss for the rest. I also found the setting confusing; first he was on a ship, then in a room(?)

He had fell asleep with his favorite hardback many times before and grabbed for it out reflex more than anything, catching it nine times out of ten.

So there's no need for me to point this out to you:
He had fallen asleep
and grabbed for it of out reflex more than anything

He chuckled and gripping the apparatus tightly exhaled hard, placed the business end of the inhaler in his mouth, closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. He grimaced at the too sweet metallic taste that flowed in to his mouth and shook his head in defiance of the biting sensation that tore at innards. It was like the stingers of a thousand bees pricking, feasting at all they could touch. In a spasm he dropped the inhaler, stiffened and rolled on to the black carpet of the floor. He jerked and gagged as veins rose beneath his skin at his neck and temples. His pupils dilated and before long he lay there stiff as a board, breathing shallow breaths.

My favourite paragraph.

Hope you are going to post the rest of the story? I hate reading things halfway.

Blessings

[ghstarks]

Judith,

Thanks for the eyes, very good input. I'm to close to the story and so over looked that. That's why I pay an editor/proofreader for smoothing. When complete I'll be sending it off after a few round of reviews.

Regarding the setting, this opens up with a dream sequence hence the lines that preceded those listed in your quote. It sounds like you jumped into part two and missed the correlation.

Regarding the techno gadgets, I address only those that are pertinent to the scene at hand in detail and foreshadow others that will play a role later in the story. At that time I'll address them, so its ok if you find them vague at first. Also you don't want to bombard the reader with a lot of techno jargon.

Yes, I'll post the story as I complete sections and thanks again for your input!

Originally Posted by Judith

I like the story, you are a good Sci-Fi writer. Due to my dimness, I don't understand all the techno gadgets. You explain TES well, but I am a bit at the loss for the rest. I also found the setting confusing; first he was on a ship, then in a room(?)


So there's no need for me to point this out to you:
He had fallen asleep
and grabbed for it of out reflex more than anything


My favourite paragraph.

Hope you are going to post the rest of the story? I hate reading things halfway.

Blessings

[Judith]

Ah, you see. I'm the most annoying person to crit anybody's work. I obsess over minor details and end up not really getting an overall picture of the story.
I'll be reading the rest.

[OC-138]

That was good, i was a little confused about the TES so i am glad that you elaborate on what exactly that was in the excerpt, good work.
You also do good dialogue between the characters, even though 1 is an AI i still felt like they had a connection.

All up it made me want to read more, which is how a story should be i guess haha.

Goid work!

[ghstarks]

Pearlas

By G.H. Starks

This was broken up into parts:
Part 1: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=39527
Part 2: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=39941
Part 3: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=40032

__________________________________________________ ___

[ghstarks]

To support the review of Perlas I created and posted the parts as listed in my previous post.

[Odonne]

Originally Posted by ghstarks

"Drift looked about, eyeing his uniform about the floor, his obsidian colored pilot’s exoskeleton propped against a black bookcase in the corner..."

You can drop the word coloured, seems redundant.

Originally Posted by ghstarks

"His pupils dilated and before long he just laid there stiff as a board, breathing shallow breaths."

To me it seems like you use a few too many clicheed sayings like these, kind of sounds weird and pulled me out of the narrative.

Originally Posted by ghstarks

“That initial kick is a mother. Mark time, TES,” Drift said, his voice was raspy and week."

Should be weak.

Originally Posted by ghstarks

“That’s why you manage my schedule. Anyway, I can handle the Drive phase and tonight is really free after 1800, right? I’ll be home before the phase three trip kicks in,” Drift said between grunts and jerks as he worked at freeing the damp shirt stuck about his head."

Not a big fan of reading plain numbers in text, especially when someone's speaking.

Originally Posted by ghstarks

"Drift pulled his arms free of the shirt, walked over to the damage view screen, and there he stood."

Should that be damaged?


I liked the storytelling, it was pretty captivating and easy to read.

[ghstarks]

Odonne,

Very good input! No arguments here, I agree. Ill integrate where required. Looking forward to returning the favor. Thanks!

[ghstarks]

Judith,

You are not annoying! You've helped me out a lot. Thank you for giving me an extra pair of eyes! I have thick skin, I have to when working with an editor/proofreader. You keep it coming and I'll do the same. Thanks!!!

Originally Posted by Judith

Ah, you see. I'm the most annoying person to crit anybody's work. I obsess over minor details and end up not really getting an overall picture of the story.
I'll be reading the rest.

[ghstarks]

Part 4 has been posted. See link in the below story as always your input Is appreciated.

[ghstarks]

Part 5 has been posted. See link in the below story as always your input Is appreciated.

[thisangel]

Hiya, G.H. -

I liked this bit better than the previous. For the most part it flowed well, and painted a good picture for me. I've already pointed out the things I think are redundant in my previous post after part one, so I won't reiterate here, just keep an eye out for that.

I especially like the idea of a metered dose drug inhaler. Nice touch.

On to more!

[ghstarks]

Angel,

Again thanks, your observations are consistent with what I expect from my editor/proofreader. That said, thanks a lot!

So are you from Ireland? Knowing helps me better understand your perspective on my choice of words and how I convey certain things to the reader.

I try not to be a butcher of words, lol.

[Rooster Smith]

The sleepy pilot looked down with half closed eyes toward a black inhaler of sorts, illuminated by the light of the data-pad in an otherwise dark room. The see-through (not 100% sure about the grammer rule regarding that but I think it looks better anyway. L-shaped container was empty. Drift stared at it for a long moment and frowned. He turned his attention to his electronic connection to the stars, the nick name for his trusty data pad. He watched as a number of headlines flashed across its screen. There was, Secret military deals and their commercial impacts. This was followed by Three dimensional navigation, the fact in the fiction. Next there was, Mythical planets legends and fairytales.” Finally the listing stopped scrolling, landing on a topic that raised an eyebrow.
good to see yahoo news still doing well in the future ...
“Finally,” he said.

Drift peered at an image of the gray rectangular haul of a Transient Class star freighter. Its metallic haul was covered in antennae so that that two thats? it looked like an enormous metal porcupine. Above the picture was the title, Ares; a historical review of lost ships and cargo that shouldn’t be lost. He smirked, shook his head, and looked toward what appeared to be a holographic clock set on a counter top across the room from his bed. Six o’clock, displayed in blue florescent block letters, twirled above a sleek black pedestal. It was no larger than a small book with rounded edges. Drift took note of a dot of red light flashing angrily through its crystal display. He groaned, lazily dragging himself out of bed and toward the mechanism.



“TES, she is not my mom?” Drift answered.
a little bit confusing here. Maybe it's me. Did you put that question mark there on purpose? so the TES changes shape with every message?
“As you wish, deleting. Drift, how’s your foot? You should really clean the place.”



“What the!” he exclaimed at the feeling of a sharp edge pressed against his back. Drift sat up quickly, turning to find a picture of his son. The digital photo case lay beside his sleek HK40 custom light pistol. He stared at the laser gun for a time and then looked away.
HK40 custom? Man, i didn't even know they made those yet!!!


A minute later his body relaxed and he slowly rolled on to his knees.

“That initial kick is a mother. Mark time, TES,” Drift said, his voice raspy.
Future drugs, real cool ...


“Miss. Striker thought highly of me,” TES said.
i think it's Ms. Striker. Is this guy's name Drift Striker? If so, those were some rough school years ...


This whole thing is right up my alley.

I remember reading the first one a bit back. It was a trippy dream sequence. And I remember thinking to myself, "I wouldn't have started with it ..."

I remember it was very cool but didn't put me in the world. This installment did put me in that world and it's awesome!

I love the concept. I love the main character who I suspect has a chemical dependancy, very cool. AI sidekicks rank amonst my fave sidekicks in literature.

I gotta say, I'm really looking foward to the next one ...

[ghstarks]

Good catch, don't know how that question mark got in there. As for the use of Miss. I you Mrs. in my manuscript, don't know why that's there.

Again very good eyes! Thanks!

Originally Posted by Rooster Smith

The sleepy pilot looked down with half closed eyes toward a black inhaler of sorts, illuminated by the light of the data-pad in an otherwise dark room. The see-through (not 100% sure about the grammer rule regarding that but I think it looks better anyway. L-shaped container was empty. Drift stared at it for a long moment and frowned. He turned his attention to his electronic connection to the stars, the nick name for his trusty data pad. He watched as a number of headlines flashed across its screen. There was, Secret military deals and their commercial impacts. This was followed by Three dimensional navigation, the fact in the fiction. Next there was, Mythical planets legends and fairytales.” Finally the listing stopped scrolling, landing on a topic that raised an eyebrow.
good to see yahoo news still doing well in the future ...
“Finally,” he said.

Drift peered at an image of the gray rectangular haul of a Transient Class star freighter. Its metallic haul was covered in antennae so that that two thats? it looked like an enormous metal porcupine. Above the picture was the title, Ares; a historical review of lost ships and cargo that shouldn’t be lost. He smirked, shook his head, and looked toward what appeared to be a holographic clock set on a counter top across the room from his bed. Six o’clock, displayed in blue florescent block letters, twirled above a sleek black pedestal. It was no larger than a small book with rounded edges. Drift took note of a dot of red light flashing angrily through its crystal display. He groaned, lazily dragging himself out of bed and toward the mechanism.



“TES, she is not my mom?” Drift answered.
a little bit confusing here. Maybe it's me. Did you put that question mark there on purpose? so the TES changes shape with every message?
“As you wish, deleting. Drift, how’s your foot? You should really clean the place.”



“What the!” he exclaimed at the feeling of a sharp edge pressed against his back. Drift sat up quickly, turning to find a picture of his son. The digital photo case lay beside his sleek HK40 custom light pistol. He stared at the laser gun for a time and then looked away.
HK40 custom? Man, i didn't even know they made those yet!!!


A minute later his body relaxed and he slowly rolled on to his knees.

“That initial kick is a mother. Mark time, TES,” Drift said, his voice raspy.
Future drugs, real cool ...


“Miss. Striker thought highly of me,” TES said.
i think it's Ms. Striker. Is this guy's name Drift Striker? If so, those were some rough school years ...


This whole thing is right up my alley.

I remember reading the first one a bit back. It was a trippy dream sequence. And I remember thinking to myself, "I wouldn't have started with it ..."

I remember it was very cool but didn't put me in the world. This installment did put me in that world and it's awesome!

I love the concept. I love the main character who I suspect has a chemical dependancy, very cool. AI sidekicks rank amonst my fave sidekicks in literature.

I gotta say, I'm really looking foward to the next one ...

[ghstarks]

Part 6 has been posted. See link in the below story as always your input Is appreciated.