 |
|
|
|
|
|
#1
07-15-2012, 05:53 PM
|
||||
|
||||
iBus
iBus
innit bad boys at the back of the bus acting all leery acting all tough they shout blondie you wanna go on this i think they got wiggle worm for penis ‘coz ain’t them dickheads they ain’t got a clue being gutter rats ain’t how to get drew and they chav dressed gold chain bling and adidas hoods up yeah blud chatting cockney patois call me stuck up ‘coz i iz got a book nah i iz cool rimmel the london look oi blondie come to daddy for big luv his m8 says you iz getting nuffin bruv i get off at forest gate two stops time start downstairs oi darlin come back to mine them in bliss innit what ignorance iz with doing all their thinking with them fists innit sad boys at the back of the bus mouthing off can’t take ‘em that serious
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 
|
| The Following User Says Thank You to iDrew For This Useful Post: | ||
Nick Pierce (07-15-2012) | ||
|
#2
07-15-2012, 06:06 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
you continue to to be marvelous
so controlled so relaxed You move across the page and through the form like a white haired fencer wearing boat shoes who touche's all who take the piste opposite him reading you makes me consider trying to be a better composer I may need to return to drink
|
|
#3
07-15-2012, 08:47 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
iReal, for realz.
"wiggle worm for penis"<--makes me laugh every time. Last line "that" makes it weirdly proper all of a sudden, like an implied "seriously". How about omitting it? It preserves meter that way; nixes the extra beat.
|
|
#4
07-15-2012, 11:41 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
You paint a clear picture of the lads, be easier to read if you used quotation marks.
Last edited by peadar; 07-16-2012 at 12:02 AM..
|
|
#5
07-16-2012, 10:59 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
All good in da hood here Drew..
Excellent chav portrayal. 
__________________
My Musical Memoirs Blog: Life is what happens when the music stops: To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. My Poetry Blog: Reaching the parts of your mind that other blogs merely make a feint at.. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
|
|
#6
07-16-2012, 01:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Very nice. Have to fake my way through the Brit slang, but I'm getting there. The more I read from you the more I like. Keep 'em comin'!
__________________
Brandon I saw no God, nor heard any, in a finite organical perception; but my senses discover'd the infinite in every thing ... I cared not for consequences but wrote." ~William Blake To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
|
|
#7
07-17-2012, 04:55 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I do not know most of the slang, but I like the fact that you used it here. Gives the piece a point of reference and puts the reader in the writer's shoes. Very well done.
__________________
I climb inside my mind through the windows to the soul that I sold for a kiss in the fourth grade.
|
|
#8
07-18-2012, 03:35 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Thank you most kindly to everyone.
The form, rhyme, all not my usual thing so very much a w.i.p. In the past I’ve been very successful without using punctuation or capitals and I suppose that’s a part of me I want to hang onto. Tis a challenge within the restraints of the form, granted, but it’s also good to step outside your comfort zone or you end up just writing the same stuff over and over again, and I would really hate to do that. Once again, thank you all. Bless xDrew
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
|
 |
|
«
Previous Thread
|
Next Thread
»
| Thread Tools | |
|
|
All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:46 PM.
