Enough Thunder

[Odonne]

this is the intro to my first written piece. Not sure if it will ever manifest to more than this, but for now enjoy and critique.


Enough Thunder


A weeklong stew of on and off rain and a plus forty swelter had stained the burgundy upholstery with a heaty musk. It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat.
Heat hung off the rusted-white hood of the young man’s Toyota sedan, parked in the lookout’s asphalt lot. Austin hummed along to the radio’s mixed static and song. Seat reclined, he lit a joint and laid his head on the headrest.

‘You know, you’re way too fucking cool.
‘And you’re way too fucking easy.’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled.
‘You love it.’
August edged closer.
‘Who wouldn’t?’ Austin smirked. ‘Besides my girlfriend I mean.’
Closing her eyes, she shrugged into Austin. It didn’t matter.

Everyone who knew August was disconcerted by the dead-end relationship. Her mother refused to call it that. She said it was a mutual knowing. It would pass.
Maybe it was because they would go weeks in between acknowledging one another, or because August by all accounts could do so much better, or because once they almost killed the Miller’s son when August decided Austin needed a hand job just as he turned onto Morris Boulevard that most people thought they shouldn’t have worked. But they just did.
Everything about August was right. She wore bandana headbands, she despised makeup and she even dabbled in Brazilian waxing. She was funny, and not in a hopelessly feminine way either. Her wardrobe was usually heavy in feather accents and animal prints, today being no exception. Her hair bunched over an opaque cheetah wrap and kept a silver feather earring just out of sight.

Pulling the marijuana cigarette from his lips, she dragged confidently. Austin sat and took it all in. He adored the obvious, but August was visceral.
He squinted in the moonlight.
‘I’m pretty sure your left nipple’s a little bigger than this one.’ He teased, pinching her right.
August hit him. Hard.
‘I thought you said I was perfect.’
‘There are moments,” Austin said, ‘But I think it depends.’
‘Depends on what?” She asked playfully, straddling him so their stomachs barely met.
‘On my mood I guess.’ They exchanged smiles.
‘That’s you changing. I’ve been the same this whole time.’
‘Nothing never changes you know.’
August, still smiling, reached over him for her bra underneath the back seat.
‘Take me home.’
Austin turned the key, already in the ignition.
‘Aha, now what kind of a celebration is that?’

Pumping vigorously to life, the car’s brights illuminated the last truly untouched facet of Sealy. A quarter mile of downwardly sloping wood, mostly oak, gave way to a small pool of incandescence and brick. Identically clad clay roofs peppered the light grey blacktop that veined the town. Bordering the stoned square at the heart of town, a small strip mall was where most of the town’s younger residents enjoyed Friday and Saturday nights. A few streets from Town Square was a large red-bricked building that served as the town’s only school. Virtually every person in Sealy had walked the halls of Jackson Peely Secondary at one time or another.
Gazing out past Sealy into the lateness, the two stared into everything.

‘Fuck, where are you taking me?’
‘Calm down Rush, people are gonna start thinking you don’t like surprises.”
‘Seriously, this isn’t funny.’ August chuckled. ‘And stop calling me Rush!’ She said, punching him. ‘How about we go back to my place and… we can find something to do…’
Austin’s eyes remained fixed on the road.
‘Tempting as that sounds, and believe me, I’m already regretting this, I took the liberty of finding us some late night fun of a different nature.’
‘And just what nature is that?’
‘Frowned upon.’ August frowned. ‘Generally.’
‘Fine. But you owe me, big time.’

[maidahl]

Just a thought. "It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat." Count the "and's". Thanks for the great read.

[Odonne]

Thanks for the thought. Definitely a premeditated run on sentence, one of my favourite sentences. Glad you enjoyed it

[RisingSun]

Originally Posted by Odonne

A week (space here) long stew of on and off (Use another description like faltering) rain and a plus forty swelter had stained the burgundy upholstery with a heaty musk. It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat. (Too many 'and's here. Either separate the sentences into two and keep the ands or get rid of them)
Heat hung off the rusted-white hood of the young man’s Toyota sedan (I'm not sure what this is describing. Are they seeing a heat wave?), parked in the lookout’s asphalt lot. Austin hummed (Adverb to describe his humming could be added here or...) along to the radio’s mixed static and song (You could place a comma after song and describe his mood somewhat rather than using an adverb after hummed). Seat reclined, he lit a joint and laid his head on the headrest.

‘You know, you’re way too fucking cool.'
‘And you’re way too fucking easy,(Comma, not a period, is used if you're attaching a word tag after a statement)’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled.
‘You love it.’
She (August isn't necessary again as the speakers have been established ad) edged closer.
‘Who wouldn’t?’ he smirked. ‘Besides my girlfriend I mean.’
Closing her eyes, she shrugged into Austin.('Shrugged into?' Not sure what that means) It didn’t matter.

Everyone who knew August was disconcerted by the dead-end relationship. Her mother refused to call it that. She said it was a mutual knowing. It would pass.
Maybe it was because they would go weeks in between acknowledging one another, or because August by all accounts could do so much better, or because once they almost killed the Miller’s son when August decided Austin needed a hand job just as he turned onto Morris Boulevard that most people thought they shouldn’t have worked. But they just did.
Everything about August was right. She wore bandana headbands, she despised makeup, and she even dabbled in Brazilian waxing. She was funny, (no and) not in a hopelessly feminine way either. Her wardrobe was usually heavy in feather accents and animal prints, today being no exception. Her hair bunched over an opaque cheetah wrap and kept a silver feather earring just out of sight.

Pulling the marijuana cigarette from his lips, she dragged confidently. Austin sat and took it all in. He adored the obvious, but August was visceral.
He squinted in the moonlight.
‘I’m pretty sure your left nipple’s a little bigger than this one.’ He teased, pinching her right.
August hit him. Hard.
‘I thought you said I was perfect.’
‘There are moments,” Austin said, ‘but (no capitalization is needed as it's a continuation of the previous thought before the dialogue tag) I think it depends.’
‘Depends on what?” she ( no capitalization) asked playfully, straddling him so their stomachs barely met.
‘On my mood I guess.’ They exchanged smiles.
‘That’s you changing. I’ve been the same this whole time.’
‘Nothing never changes you know.’
August, still smiling, reached over him for her bra underneath the back seat.
‘Take me home.’
Austin turned the key, already in the ignition.
‘Aha, now what kind of a celebration is that?’

Pumping vigorously to life, the car’s brights illuminated the last truly untouched facet of Sealy. A quarter mile of downwardly sloping wood, mostly oak, gave way to a small pool of incandescence and brick. Identically clad clay roofs peppered the light grey blacktop that veined the town. Bordering the stoned square at the heart of town, a small strip mall was where most of the town’s younger residents enjoyed Friday and Saturday nights. A few streets from Town Square was a large red-bricked building that served as the town’s only school. Virtually every person in Sealy had walked the halls of Jackson Peely Secondary at one time or another.
Gazing out past Sealy into the lateness, the two stared into everything.

‘Fuck, where are you taking me?’
‘Calm down, Rush, people are gonna start thinking you don’t like surprises.”
‘Seriously, this isn’t funny,’ August chuckled. ‘And stop calling me Rush!’ she said, punching him. ‘How about we go back to my place and… we can find something to do.’
Austin’s eyes remained fixed on the road. (Describe the silence here)
‘Tempting as that sounds, and believe me, I’m already regretting this, I took the liberty of finding us some late night fun of a different nature.’
‘And just what nature is that?’
‘Frowned upon?’ August frowned. ‘Generally.’
‘Fine. But you owe me, big time.’

Overall, it was alright. At times, it felt like an awkward mix between a short story/'one shot' and a story with multiple chapters. If you wind up doing more of this, I'd like to see that revised. There are some technical problems with the dialogue and commas, so you should review both of those things. The dialogue itself was fine, but the way you did the speech tags were incorrect. Occasionally, you should use more description. I'd like to see more of your writing.

[Nick Pierce]

One polite question- have you ever heard of a joint being referred to as a "marijuana cigarette" in 3D by users of same?

[wishcharlie]

Careless summer feel. Pleasant read. I feel like the dialogue parts could be trimmed up, and smoothed over a little bit to make it easier to understand...

‘And you’re way too fucking easy.’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled.
‘You love it.’
August edged closer.

Could be...

‘And you’re way too fucking easy.’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled, and edged closer. ‘You love it.’

I loved the second line btw, all the 'ands' worked for me...

"It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat."

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

[Ephemera]

Ditto on the whole "have you ever heard it called a marijuana cigarette" thing. Call it a joint! I've only heard marijuana cig as a joke.

You say this is your first written piece? I think it's excellent!

I can really see the character of August by what she wears and the way she doesn't care about him having a girlfriend already.

Just fix up some techinal problems with your dialogue tags and I'd say you're good to go.

One more question: What kind of piece is this? Novel? Short story?

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Pumping vigorously to life, the car’s brights illuminated the last truly untouched facet of Sealy

Lights don't 'pump into life.' It might have been better to say, 'As the car pumped vigorously into life, the car's bright lights illuminated...'

I think this is all narrated competently. Quite sparse and terse, but, given it is from two not overly-intellectual young people's perspectives, that can be seen as appropriate.

[WilliamS.]

"Marijuana cigarette" was the best part-gives a great feel of "journalist-describes-hipster-sex". I love all the reputation of "ands" as well. Nipple measuring isn't as sexy of a sentiment as "bandana headband" or "marijuana cigarette".

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Originally Posted by WilliamS.

I love all the reputation of "ands"

Yes, I do believe 'and' has a highly deserved prestige as one of the key conjunctions coordinating sentence clauses (or, perhaps you meant 'repetition'.....).

[WilliamS.]

No, I meant reputation. I've yet to meet someone who refuses to use it. This sexy story will do much to cement it's (by "it's I mean "and's") reputation for years to come. Nice creepy story.

[vorpalhead]

It's tough to write an edgy intro (your list of extremes) without it seeming cliche.

[Rooster Smith]

Kind of bummed out. One act fiction is what this forum is mostly made up of. But usually it has an ending ....

I know you were just looking for feedback, but I think it's too short.

I say, research the 3 act story structure before moving forward. You'll learn more about grabbing people's attention.

[choxie]

It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat.

I see what you're doing here and I like this sentence and your style. In my opinion I would take out 'and it was' and just keep going after a semi-colon. I think it would flow better, more poetic-like.

marijuana cigarette

Since you used joint previously this seems out of place. But I can see how it might fit as well given your style of writing.

He adored the obvious, but August was visceral.

I love this sentence. I re-read it like 5 times.

This was fantastic. The overall feel was wonderful. Breezy, carefree...reminds me of summer. I also loved the characters and how you described them. If you wrote more I would love to read more, I definitely think there's potential for something great here. However, as a short you got the job done. Thanks for the great read.

[Odonne]

Originally Posted by RisingSun

Overall, it was alright. At times, it felt like an awkward mix between a short story/'one shot' and a story with multiple chapters. If you wind up doing more of this, I'd like to see that revised. There are some technical problems with the dialogue and commas, so you should review both of those things. The dialogue itself was fine, but the way you did the speech tags were incorrect. Occasionally, you should use more description. I'd like to see more of your writing.

I'm probably going to add a few more letters to this, so think of it more as more of a chapter story.
My high school's pretty sparse in terms of teaching writing know how, but I will try to pick up some more of the technical aspects.
Thanks for the input.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce

One polite question- have you ever heard of a joint being referred to as a "marijuana cigarette" in 3D by users of same?

When was the last time you heard real life being referred to as 3D in your day to day? And I just thought it fit the mood. Still do. I also think the page is a great place to say things scarcely said. Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by wishcharlie

Careless summer feel. Pleasant read. I feel like the dialogue parts could be trimmed up, and smoothed over a little bit to make it easier to understand...

‘And you’re way too fucking easy.’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled.
‘You love it.’
August edged closer.

Could be...

‘And you’re way too fucking easy.’ Austin said without thinking.
August smiled, and edged closer. ‘You love it.’

I loved the second line btw, all the 'ands' worked for me...

"It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat."

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

I'll take that into consideration. I love the feel of the second line, I think it sets the mood for the whole piece. I also love the dichotomy it creates. Some people like it, some don't, and that's what it's for. Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by Ephemera

Ditto on the whole "have you ever heard it called a marijuana cigarette" thing. Call it a joint! I've only heard marijuana cig as a joke.

You say this is your first written piece? I think it's excellent!

I can really see the character of August by what she wears and the way she doesn't care about him having a girlfriend already.

Just fix up some techinal problems with your dialogue tags and I'd say you're good to go.

One more question: What kind of piece is this? Novel? Short story?

I think describing people's natures is how people should be described. I think for the most part I'm going to stay away from physical descriptions of people. I think it gives your mind a canvas. Your August might not be my August. I love that.
It started as a novel, now it's in Limbo.
Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by Phoenix Lazarus

Lights don't 'pump into life.' It might have been better to say, 'As the car pumped vigorously into life, the car's bright lights illuminated...'

I think this is all narrated competently. Quite sparse and terse, but, given it is from two not overly-intellectual young people's perspectives, that can be seen as appropriate.

Have you ever started a really old car? The lights tend to flash, or 'pump'. Iunno, i thought it sounded good.
As for description or lack there of, I kinda like the... tenseness of it all. Dry isn't the right word, kind of uncharted is how I'd put it. Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by WilliamS.

"Marijuana cigarette" was the best part-gives a great feel of "journalist-describes-hipster-sex". I love all the reputation of "ands" as well. Nipple measuring isn't as sexy of a sentiment as "bandana headband" or "marijuana cigarette".
----
No, I meant reputation. I've yet to meet someone who refuses to use it. This sexy story will do much to cement it's (by "it's I mean "and's") reputation for years to come. Nice creepy story.

Nipple measuring is the shit. try it.
Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by vorpalhead

It's tough to write an edgy intro (your list of extremes) without it seeming cliche.

Aha I guess even when you don't shoot for edgy, it can seem as such.
Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by Rooster Smith

Kind of bummed out. One act fiction is what this forum is mostly made up of. But usually it has an ending ....

I know you were just looking for feedback, but I think it's too short.

I say, research the 3 act story structure before moving forward. You'll learn more about grabbing people's attention.

I just got kinda bored with it. Have a couple other scenes that I might post, but I don't think I want to dive into sewing this bitch together quite yet. Might adopt the scene into another piece. Thanks for the read.

Originally Posted by choxie

It was scorched lawn and peeled plaster and car exhaust and pool chlorine, and it was smoke and sex and day-old road kill and sweat.

I see what you're doing here and I like this sentence and your style. In my opinion I would take out 'and it was' and just keep going after a semi-colon. I think it would flow better, more poetic-like.

marijuana cigarette

Since you used joint previously this seems out of place. But I can see how it might fit as well given your style of writing.

He adored the obvious, but August was visceral.

I love this sentence. I re-read it like 5 times.

This was fantastic. The overall feel was wonderful. Breezy, carefree...reminds me of summer. I also loved the characters and how you described them. If you wrote more I would love to read more, I definitely think there's potential for something great here. However, as a short you got the job done. Thanks for the great read.

That sentence was what inspired this story, my favourite next to that infamous second sentence. Thanks for the read.


Aha I like how to comments gradually increased in positivity. What I took away is this is a technically unsound, decently cohesive, rather entertaining story. Only place that can go is up.