Sailor

[thomasteller]

The stars on the cloudless sky illuminated ripples and waves on a calm night sea. Every now and then, small fish could've been seen swimming to the surface to get a look at the stars themselves. Even the larger and more lethal sea creatures could've been sometimes visible on the surface, attempting to catch the unaware fish. It was midnight. A small fishing boat, rocking from side to side, was slowly sailing across the dark waters. Its only inhabitant slept soundly in the captain's cabin.

Sailors used to tell stories about a particular place at this sea, where giant rocks and stones ascended from the deep waters above the surface, forming a huge reef with a very small narrow canal leading trough it. Many lives were lost in that place, mostly at night, when the rocks were barely visible and ships got destroyed rather quickly, because of the rocks’ razor edged tops. Hangman’s reef they used to call it. Unfortunately, many ships went exactly trough the Hangman’s reef, since it was the fastest and shortest way from a favorite fishing spot that many sailors used to call Hangman’s fish yard, back to a port town.

Concentration of the underwater life was astonishing in that place. Whenever a sailor dropped an empty fishing net to a water, he pulled it out full of fish and it never ceased to stop, so it was no wonder, when many sailors began to seek fortune in the endless fishing in the Hangman’s fish yard.

The sailor sleeping soundly in the captain’s cabin was one of those fortune seekers, just returning back to the port. Unfortunately, it came to pass, that his ships smashed into one of the razor edged rocks at the Hangman’s reef and shattered into million pieces. The sailor survived the impact; however he was hit in his head really hard and was knocked unconscious.

When the sailor came to, he was holding onto a long wooden pole, slowly floating across the dark sea. He was in the middle of nowhere. Minutes seemed like ages and the sailor was slowly losing his strength, when suddenly something grabbed his leg. When the sailor looked down he saw a giant dark human shaped tentacular creature. Whatever it was, it was taking him deeper and deeper to the bottom of the sea. Shock and absence of air made him lose his consciousness again.

When he woke up, he was lying on a muddy beach on a strange island. But it was no island, it was a huge underwater platform that must had elevated onto the surface above the water level. Sun was already shining over his head. He slowly stood up and looked around. The platform, at the first glance, appeared deserted. There were no signs of life. But that was irrelevant at that moment. What happened back at the sea? Was it just a dream? Interestingly enough, he could not see water anywhere. He was surrounded by mud and rotten carcasses of sea creatures. He decided to move forward, since he had nothing to eat or drink, he had to find something.

At first he was sagging into the mud, but after a few minutes the ground got more solid and turned into sand and the terrible stench of dead fish ceased. He kept walking forward. All around him he could only see the endless spreading desert. He had no idea where he was, or how he got there, but he kept walking.

When day turned to night, the stereotype of the flat desert was gone. In front of him, he could see a huge ravine. Hoping that it can contain water, he ran to it. He looked down and indeed did see water down below. He did not hesitate and started climbing down the gorge.

When he got to the bottom his heart started beating at an immense rate, because as soon as he touched the ground, he saw a huge statue of an otherworldly creature, shining brightly in the moon’s light. The statue actually resembled what he saw in the sea. He freaked out even more when a huge rambling was heard and an earthquake shook the ground. The ground under him opened and a giant black creature appeared. He had to escape.

When he managed to climb back up he just started running away, singing songs and laughing. He went mad.

When he woke up he was in a hospital. His wife was sitting next to him, holding his hand. She told him that a merchant ship found him unconscious in the sea and brought him to the mainland. She kissed him and begged him not to ever go to Hangman’s fish yard again, but when it comes to fortune, men never refuse a good chance to make money, even if it costs them their lives.

[SHE1234]

I interpret this as a dream that comes to a shipwrecked sailor, floating among the debris of the wreck. The tentacled monster he encounters and the vast, desolate landscape are very much like the stories and landscapes created by H.P. Lovecraft . This was very well-written.

[thomasteller]

Thank you! Inspired by H.P. Lovecraft indeed.

[IanG]

'..place at this sea..' 'place in this sea' would read better.

...'from the deep waters above the surface..' Insert 'to' between waters and surface or it reads as if waters are above the surface of something else.

...fishing net to a water..' I think you ment 'to the water.'

I hope this is helpful.

[Judith]

'Every now and then, small fish could've been seen...'
I gather English is your second language? Mine too, I struggle with the tenses as well. This sentence would read better as: 'Every now and then, small fish could be seen...'
Maybe decide exactly if you want this story to be in past tense or present tense and stick with the tense.
Love the ending, be blessed and happy writing!

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Originally Posted by thomasteller

suddenly something grabbed his leg. When the sailor looked down he saw a giant dark human shaped tentacular creature. Whatever it was, it was taking him deeper and deeper to the bottom of the sea. Shock and absence of air made him lose his consciousness again.

........................

as soon as he touched the ground, he saw a huge statue of an otherworldly creature, shining brightly in the moon’s light. The statue actually resembled what he saw in the sea. He freaked out even more when a huge rambling was heard and an earthquake shook the ground. The ground under him opened and a giant black creature appeared.

If he lost consciousness while deep underwater, surely he would have drowned.

The giant black creature could do with more description, or else the reader is not engaged.

[BlindCaster]

I really enjoyed your prose. There no doubt you have the gift of transferring your imagination into words. There were a few lengthy sentences that could probaly be shortened for a better effect.

Example: Many lives were lost in that place, mostly at night, when the rocks were barely visible and ships got destroyed rather quickly, because of the rocks’ razor edged tops.

You could probably scratch the last clause and "razor edged" before rocks. Or completely shorten it up, such as: The razor sharp rocks, barely visible at night, destroyed many ships and claimed many lives.

[BlindCaster]

I should also add my own experience when it comes to rephrasing sentences. Once I complete a draft, I come back to some of the sentences that bug me, and then I write them out several different ways. I always start out in the active, rather than passive; next I try to throw the subject of the sentence up at the beginning. This doesn't always work though, so usually after some hard thinking, I have anywhere from 2 to 8 rephrased sentences to choose from.

[AndroidAtNight]

Love the piece as a whole,
As a few other people have mentioned, I assume English is not your first language? Some of your syntax, use of tenses, and general lexical decisions are slightly jarring, yet all that said they only slightly detract from a great piece

[thomasteller]

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and advising me on how to make things better.

Much appreciated.

[thomasteller]

Originally Posted by Judith

I gather English is your second language?

I was raised in two languages... Well, that's what bilingual kids get. They speak two languages since they're tots, but neither of them well enough.

[Judith]

I know, I have that too!