WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


heroes birth---a battle story

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-07-2012, 06:44 AM
Waterpoor's Avatar
Waterpoor (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwestern New Mexico
Posts: 1,058
Thanks: 126
Thanks 377
Default heroes birth---a battle story


heroes birth

mid-battle, deaths sweet breath blows across the soul,
chaos reigns with clenched teeth and twisted gut,

courage run to dust as mortars slam
churned
flesh and soil, and night slips
through tangled vine,
reapers come
to count quickened prey,


promise hidden of the morrows light,
hope is casualty,

courage is casualty,
brother’s love is taut,


when the banshee ghosts shriek through blackness

to hear the hellish hiss of combat, see mayhem's vivid color,
taunt the forlorn warrior waiting for his death,

to rise,
to charge,
to face the carnage,
weapon ready,


blood lust full, coward made hero by his fright,

and carries battle to enemy shield,
and lives to fight through deaths fear once more.

__________________
It works the way it works and there are no mistakes

Last edited by Waterpoor; 03-11-2012 at 06:30 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-07-2012, 07:06 AM
bicyclingfish (Offline)
Intellectually Fertile
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 161
Thanks: 91
Thanks 45
Default

Last line, is it supposed to be "death's fear"?

If this were anyone else I'd say good job, but from you I want different. This poem feels like another version of what you've written before.

I tried explaining to you once that there's a way in using descriptive words where we still manage to tell the reader what to see, and in doing that we tell them what to feel, and in doing that we dismiss their ability to respond beyond the immediate face value of what they're reading. I'm not dismissing what you've written here, but I want different.

Give me the sensation of being there without telling me what to see. Trust my intuition as a reader to fill in what you don't say, and in that way you can show, not tell. I think you have a higher place you can go next with your writing, and this might be that.

What you're telling is a great story that must be told and told again, for succeeding generations to read and relate to, and to learn from. But you can tell it differently, and even more effectively than you are here.

I like the title, a lot.
__________________
Some of my poetry and short stories are online at
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-07-2012, 07:53 AM
Waterpoor's Avatar
Waterpoor (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwestern New Mexico
Posts: 1,058
Thanks: 126
Thanks 377
Default

Bicyclingfish, I make it a point to never defend what I write so call this an explanation. I don't mean to sound cavalier but if you haven't been there you would have no idea what to feel. The poem is written to expose the transition from the fear of imminent death to the point where that immobilizing terror is overwhelmed and survival instincts propel the warrior into heroic like action. Courage is not the lack of fear but what is done in the face of it.

As re/the same old stuff-------raises a hackle or two. There is not same old stuff in traumatic situations for the participants.

Do appreciate your critique.

yo'pa
__________________
It works the way it works and there are no mistakes

Last edited by Waterpoor; 03-10-2012 at 01:34 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-10-2012, 12:43 PM
Phyllis Stewart's Avatar
Phyllis Stewart (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Chicago Suburb
Posts: 466
Thanks: 2
Thanks 124
Default

mid-battle, deaths sweet breath blows across the soul,
chaos reigns with clenched teeth, twisted spines,

churned
flesh and soil,

to hear the hellish hiss of combat, see mayhem's vivid color,
taunt the forlorn warrior waiting for his death,

blood lust full, coward made hero by his fright,


I had picked out these lines as favorites, superbly written, when I read your reply above. You said exactly what I was planning to say in a comment on the line coward made hero by his fright

I think that's a truth most people miss. Nowadays everyone gets the title "hero" just for being a victim or the opposite––Superman can't be a hero since he's not afraid of the villain's gun. Without fear, there can be no heroism. Thanks for saying that. Needs to be said over and over until it sinks in. The poor souls who were killed on 9/11 are always called heroes, but they were just victims, nothing more or less.

Let's stop distorting definitions to make people feel good about themselves. A coward runs away when he's afraid; a hero has just as much fear, but he stays to fight for the guys in the foxhole with him.

Excellent piece. I've never been to war, and when I try to imagine the things I've heard described, my mind shuts down and refuses even to place me in the imaginary situation. So it must be even worse than I feel it is.
__________________
Phyllis

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Phyllis Stewart; 03-10-2012 at 02:07 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-12-2012, 04:43 PM
Waterpoor's Avatar
Waterpoor (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwestern New Mexico
Posts: 1,058
Thanks: 126
Thanks 377
Default

Phylis, thank you very much for your read and comments. The war pieces are difficult because of content. Nice to know you get it.

R.
__________________
It works the way it works and there are no mistakes
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-15-2012, 09:58 AM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 656
Default

This is OUTSTANDING R! I tried hard to find some lines in order to say 'these were my favorite', but I couldn't choose! It's ALL good! So powerful! This the BEST thing I've ever looked at of yours...by FAR! I can feel everthing when I read this. This is an exceptional achievement. I would be getting this one printed and framed and hung on the wall. Don't know how you're going to top this one R!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:07 PM
Loz's Avatar
Loz (Offline)
Captain Unicorn Biscuits
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,065
Thanks: 2,218
Thanks 999
Default

Always a fan of your work Waterpoor, it never disappoints. Wish I had readn't this one right before going to bed though, your poems bring me an idea war that my imagination could never conjur - time to hide behind my quilt!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-15-2012, 07:30 PM
Emerson (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Southern Maine and SW New Mexico
Posts: 6
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default Powerful and taut...

...to use one of the words in the poem (in a fresh way, to describe love!). The battle description is as gut-wrenching as I imagine it should be.

How to strengthen? Perhaps a little clearer POV and focus on the coward who becomes hero earlier in the poem? I think the best line is "blood lust full, coward made hero by his fright," and would love to see more like it, i.e., combining vivid description with a trenchant psychological insight. (The last line is a bit anticlimactic after this, by the way; perhaps you've already implied what it says?)

A few things I didn't quite get--which may be just my ignorance or misreading:

--"reapers come/to count quickened prey..." Aren't the reapers coming for the dead, rather than the "quickened" (restored to life)?

--"
when the banshee ghosts shriek through blackness/to hear the hellish hiss..." I assume you mean to say the banshees [I think "ghosts" is redundant here, by the way] are "shrieking", then someone else (soldiers) are "hearing", but as written it sounds like the banshees are doing the shrieking and the hearing...

--in the last three stanzas, the grammar seems a bit funky: esp. in last one, the "and"s confuse me as to who/what is the subject. Would it work to change each "and" to "he"?

One nit to pick: what's your protocol for possessives? The apostrophe seems arbitrarily missing or correct (missing in "heroes" and "deaths" (2X), but properly used in "brother's" and "mayhem's"). Is there some meaning in the absences? If not, I'd call it gratuitous experimentalism...apostrophes are a useful tool, helping the reader avoid stumbling, imho.

I thank my creator I didn't have to go through what you did to write this poem. Thanks, R.
--O
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-17-2012, 09:26 AM
Waterpoor's Avatar
Waterpoor (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwestern New Mexico
Posts: 1,058
Thanks: 126
Thanks 377
Default

KBR
Loz
Emerson,
I want to thank each of you for your reads and comments. Emerson, thanks for the critique. Every bit is carefully considered.

R.
__________________
It works the way it works and there are no mistakes
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-27-2012, 11:16 PM
chica's Avatar
chica (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Africa
Posts: 20
Thanks: 8
Thanks 3
Default

courage run to dust as mortars slam
churned flesh and s
oil,
and night slips
through tangled vine,
reapers come
to count quickened prey


Love this piece. I have a friend who writes war pieces, and I know what the cost of sharing it is. The highlighted verse is simply beautiful and alive with imagery.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-28-2012, 02:03 AM
Nacia's Avatar
Nacia (Online)
Resident Ghost
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: London, England.
Posts: 10,239
Thanks: 2,701
Thanks 919
Default

simply beautifu lovely read!!
__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
When your plot feels too thin. ZombieGenesis Tips & Advice 27 06-08-2010 03:00 PM
UK competitions June to July 09 Jpa77 Writing Markets 0 06-08-2009 08:54 AM
Man's Story 2 Jay Writing Markets 0 06-23-2006 07:21 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 09:35 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.