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Music - a very short story.

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  #1  
Old 01-28-2012, 05:15 PM
HannahM (Offline)
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Default Music - a very short story.


This is the first work I have posted, so please give me as much advice and as many tips as you can! Thanks for the help!

***I revised this because other's stated that I was lacking some depth. Any comments would be great!


Lyrical talent danced through him day and night. Every noise was a note, every conversation a song. He was constantly composing within, excitement bursting in his chest when he found those beautiful combinations.

Each beat echoed incomplete. He watched his girlfriend walk by his desk, her long dark hair dancing behind her back. As he watched her, the melody in his mind began to ring with minor notes.

He hadn't finished a piece in ten years. It was his passion, but when it came time to write the finale, his pen always clattered to the desk, and he was forced to crumple the pages in disgust. He would lean forward with arms on his desk, staring at his palms, memories and melodies racing through his mind.

He remembered the piece he wrote for her. Each note sparkled and shone with love, creating the piece that was her celebration. It was pure joy, and he could remember her beautiful smile and laughter when he had first put bow to string for her. In his mind's eye, he watched her long dark hair glint in the light while she laughed.

He remembered that they had played his piece at the funeral, and he had watched the sunlight glint off the casket. He had known that beneath the lid lay the amber eyes that had captured him. He felt nothing.

He watched his girlfriend pull a chair up to his desk. He saw her long dark hair fall in front of her face as he turned to look at her, and he stared into her blue eyes. He had never spoken of his loss, but he could see in her eyes that she knew. And she knew what she was to him. He looked down at the pages crumpled on his desk, and he remembered.


Last edited by HannahM; 01-29-2012 at 05:17 PM.. Reason: Adding to the story
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Lisa-Marie (02-02-2012)
  #2  
Old 01-28-2012, 05:49 PM
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I think this story has a very nice atmosphere about it. It's very lush and full and succeeds in creating a character, even though it's a very short piece.
Maybe a little more detail about the girl would be nice? Just a thought. Altogether, I think it's well done.
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:48 PM
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It has somewhat magical tone and flow... I cannot say it's a fiction or story...
it's feeling...and expression .
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Old 01-28-2012, 10:08 PM
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Nominating this short story
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Old 01-28-2012, 10:19 PM
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RoseTHuman, I agree that perhaps the girls should be more developed, it would add more depth to the main character. I was hoping to get across that the one girl had died, but I don't think that was very clear.

Juiling, thank you so much!!! I really appreciate that.

Last edited by HannahM; 01-28-2012 at 10:28 PM..
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Old 01-28-2012, 11:29 PM
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I think the little detail of the character and some hidden details do not harm the main theme...

But if you like, you can further elaborate this paragraph to complete the detail of the character.

He remembered the piece he wrote for her. Each note sparkled and shone with love, creating the piece that was her celebration. It was pure joy, and he could remember her beautiful smile and laughter when he had first put bow to string for her.
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Old 01-29-2012, 07:15 AM
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It would make a fine excerpt, but I am not sure that there is enough meat to consider it a story. Most certainly a commendable start, however.
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:18 PM
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Laissezfaire, thanks for the help. Everyone seems to think that the story needed more, so I added to it. Hopefully it's a little better! Thank you!
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:03 AM
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You know, honestly, I don't think musicians are like that. My father is a musician and I know a lot of musicians. This doesn't sound like it.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:54 AM
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I'll be completely honest, I'm not a musician myself. I was trying for Charles de Lint-esque. I was sort of dreaming about what a musician's mind COULD be like. Wouldn't it be great if you did think that way! I think in images, so I supposed it was possible.
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Old 02-01-2012, 07:10 PM
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I like that idea--thinking in lyrics and notes and melodies. It is a very romantic idea. I'm a musician, though not a composer, but I feel like it is not such a far fetched idea. Original and moving, and yes, I would like it if it were longer (:
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Old 02-01-2012, 08:39 PM
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Thanks I appreciate it! I guess I'll have to start developing this story
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:54 AM
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HannahM,
Nice feel to your story and I think you did a good job communicating a lot of important information in the brief story. I like the use of "dancing," to describe the girlfriend's hair, but I would have it dancing "down" her back or "across" her back. Just a thought. Sounds like he was finishing pieces while the other was still alive. Perhaps find a way to reference that within the paragraph that tells us that he now cannot finish a piece. He's lost his muse, it seems. I'm new to this forum and have not even posted anything yet. Thought I would do a little reading first. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Old 02-02-2012, 06:13 AM
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After reading the comments I realized that the girlfriend had died, ha! guess I'm slow. I read it as though his former lover/wife/whomever had died...the one his heart belonged to, and the music he heard was synonomous with his love. I thought the 'girlfriend' was a new interest who really was only functioning as a placeholder, hence why each new beat he composed was incomplete for her. either way, i really liked this. i wouldn't develop too much more story. it is a 'snapshot' with the effect of making a reader WONDER. we don't always have to KNOW to make a piece successful.
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Old 02-02-2012, 06:23 AM
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Such a lovely piece but it's a shame it's rather short. I could have continued reading for hours as it sounds like the kind of story I would pick off the shelf
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by HannahM View Post
As he watched her, the melody in his mind began to ring with minor notes.
First, from a musical perspective, there are no minor notes, but there are minor chords. It's a tough lesson, but if you want to establish your credibility as an author, you must get every fact spot on. I understand it is only a small error, but it turned me off completely when reading the piece.

Furthermore, the music/love metaphor feels timeworn. The thrill of originality is vital to a piece and yours, unfortunately, lacks it severely.

However, though it's easy to pick holes in the piece, it isn't terrible writing. You have potential, Hannah, so keep at it. I recommend Ishiguro's Nocturnes for fresh yet haunting approaches to writing music in literature.
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:32 AM
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Nicely written.
Quite dark and moody I thought, nice work
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