Appearance

[eelsupinsideya]

Here's a short story I've written. It's based around a concept I thought would be cool to write about.

I have replaced the other introduction (now deleted) with the new one I wrote (the one below). If you enjoy reading it let me know. If you hated it please tell me and don't hold back. Thanks.

Length - 1008 words.
Genre - Modern fantasy, mystery, thriller.
Chapters - Introduction.

__________________________________
Appearance

It was nine o’clock in the morning and the streets of London were humming as everybody made their way to work. On one particular street there sat a man whose dirty face and old dirty clothes suggested that he was in no hurry to go anywhere. Next to him was a simple cardboard sign that read.

‘SPARE CHANGE FOR MY UNWANTED MANGE’

It had attracted a lot of attention from passersby who quickly threw money at the sign and hurried off as if to avoid catching anything nasty as the sign insinuated. The man on the ground however was oblivious to this fact. He met every face with a kind smile and every donation with a chirpy ‘thank you’.

“Morning Tal,” said a man walking by.

“Morning,” replied Talom Bishop. There were occasionally a few people among the horde of commuters who bothered to stop and talk to Tal. Even though he sat here every day trying to scrap together enough change for a small meal he always preferred a friendly conversation over a few quid, it was the only time he felt like an equal.

The crowd around the streets ebbed away as the clock struck nine thirty and everyone settled in for their days work. Tal on the other hand had finished his morning’s work and set off for the nearest fast food chain with the fifteen dollars and thirty cents he’d managed to get. For Tal this was his favourite part of the day in exactly twenty five minutes he’d be sitting in Hyde Park with his warm meal and the daily news, if he was lucky enough to find one. As Tal turned the corner into an alleyway he used as a shortcut a strange tingling sensation swept through his body. He leaned against a wall to stop himself from falling over. It had felt like a paralysing liquid being poured on top his head which had quickly moved down to the tips of his toes. Gathering himself Tal simply shook his head and passed it off as hunger but halfway down the alleyway the sensation came back and shook him violently. Tal fell to the ground on all fours his insides were knotting together and his body felt like it was being forced through a tiny hole. There was a pop and Talom Bishop disappeared from sight.

*~~~*

The all too familiar tingling feeling hit Farrell with a sudden sharp force, the initial jolt was always a surprise. Farrell dropped to the ground voluntarily and waited for the second jolt to hit him. He dreaded the second jolt; it was such a violent sensation that he still wasn’t quite used to it. When it came, his insides twisted into knots, Farrell gasped, and then disappeared with a pop.

*~~~*

When Tal opened his eyes he wasn’t met with the sight of a dirty alleyway but rather a plain room with wooden floorboards and no door. He wondered whether he had died and if this room was some sort of limbo where the good get sorted from the bad. He turned and was surprised to see a large man dressed in a grey suit sitting cross legged in a corner of the room. The man had his eyes closed and was paying no attention to Tal at all. Tal wasn’t sure whether or not to say anything but curiosity got the better of him.

“He-hello,” Tal said weakly.

Farrell sat there in silence. It was easier for him if he kept his distance from the people he met here time and time again. After all, he thought, they never make it out alive. It didn’t matter anyway the rules were on the wall and the new guy would realise that in a matter of moments. He heard no footsteps though; actually he heard nothing at all. Out of interest he opened an eye to catch a glimpse of what was happening and he almost jumped from shock. Somehow the man had made it over to him without making a single noise and now sat opposite himself.

“Hello... ah... how on... um... why am I,” Tal wasn’t sure what to ask but before he could ask a proper question the suited man cut him off.

“The explanation is over there on the wall, read it and we can continue,” Farrell said with finality. Why on earth would he sit down near me and just stare, Farrell thought. He noticed that rather than normal clothes the man was dressed in an oddity of items. It looked like he had on at least ten pairs of socks none of which matched and his pants were ripped and so dirty that he doubted their natural colour was brown. The man also had on a number of jackets, the outer one was the most worn out of them all. It was his face, though, that had Farrell doubting he was a mental patient even though he was dressed oddly his expression was reserved and even caring. Farrell had to stop himself, becoming too attached was a bad thing.

Tal found a sheet of paper on the wall and on it read.

Conditions of Procedure

1) Target(s) must be destroyed

2) If target(s) are not destroyed within 24 hours then you shall be destroyed

3) Once all target(s) are destroyed you shall be returned

4) Partner compliance is crucial

5) You cannot destroy your partner

Good luck

As soon as Tal had finished a hologram of a creature appeared in the middle of the room and above it the word ‘Target’. The creature was tall and human-like except that instead of arms it had wings and instead of feet it had... well it had chicken feet. Tal started to laugh as if it was some kind of joke but was silenced immediately by the tingling sensation. Fear filled his entire body and then his insides began to knot. Just before he disappeared he glanced over at his supposed partner and found that he too was going through the same thing, then, with a pop, the room was empty.

[Donal_T]

An interesting little piece. I would read more of it. First thing I would say is show us don't tell us whats going on. For example you don't need to keep telling us that Tal is scared. He is fidgety, he speaks with a stutter and gets clumsy and yelps because of his alarm. That tells us he is scared in a much better way than saying explicitly he is afraid. You mention it twice. Its just a bit needless. You can achieve more without it.

Tal also says "I'm homeless for gods sake" which to me is basically your way of telling us he is homless. Again it is needless considering you say at least 3-4 times he is poorly dressed. I also don't see how his homelessness would not make his less adept at fighting. The homeless would suffer disputes about food, territory, shelter on a regular basis.

In addition I think you need to find another way of describing Tal and Farrell earlier on. You keep saying "the smaller man" and "the taller man".

It was a good piece though and I would read more of it.

[eelsupinsideya]

Originally Posted by Donal_T

An interesting little piece. I would read more of it. First thing I would say is show us don't tell us whats going on. For example you don't need to keep telling us that Tal is scared. He is fidgety, he speaks with a stutter and gets clumsy and yelps because of his alarm. That tells us he is scared in a much better way than saying explicitly he is afraid. You mention it twice. Its just a bit needless. You can achieve more without it.

Tal also says "I'm homeless for gods sake" which to me is basically your way of telling us he is homless. Again it is needless considering you say at least 3-4 times he is poorly dressed. I also don't see how his homelessness would not make his less adept at fighting. The homeless would suffer disputes about food, territory, shelter on a regular basis.

In addition I think you need to find another way of describing Tal and Farrell earlier on. You keep saying "the smaller man" and "the taller man".

It was a good piece though and I would read more of it.

Cheers Donal

When I get the time (when I can be bothered ) I'll make the changes. I see where your coming from with the show us don't tell us, I'll definately tweak the descriptions.

Thanks for you comment.

[jambalian]

quickly waved his hulking arm over the lights of the boat and all went dark. The smaller man was draped head to toe in what looked like old rags and he seemed to jolt as the boat’s only source of light in the pitch black night went out.

it was lights, and then just a single light.

"...If we don’t we die if we do we get put back where we were and continue on with our lives and wait for this to happen again.”

"...if we don't, we die: if we do, we get put back..."

“The targets below deck let’s get a move on and finish this.”

"The target's below deck. Let's get a move on and finish this."

With one swift action he had jumped over the railing and landed silently on the deck below. The other man hurried down the steps,

We go from past tense to present, which happens a lot throughout.

“Get ready.” The suited man said as he thrust his arms into the air and for a short while it looked like nothing happened until the boat mast started to shake violently and then snap off. It did not fall instead it hovered in mid air.

"Get Ready, the suited man said. He thrust his arms into the air and for a moment nothing appeared to happen, then suddenly the mast began to shake violently and snapped off. Rather than falling, it hovered in mid-air."

“You have the same powers, just not as strong yet. Focus on that rope over there in the corner try and make it coil itself around one the figure’s necks.” He replied just before he sent the mast hurtling towards the two hooded figures that stood rooted to the spot.

“You have the same powers, just not as strong yet. Focus on that rope over there in the corner try and make it coil itself around one of the figures' necks.” With that he sent the mast hurtling towards the two hooded figures that stood rooted to the spot.

...hit the figures right in their heads. With a hiss, a high pitched screaming noise and a strong smell of sulphur the two hooded figures seemed to disappear on the spot leaving nothing but their clothing.

Did they just seem to disappear or actually disappear?

A few grammatical errors there but it is an entertaining idea and if the cleaned-up version was given to me as a sample I would be very tempted to read on.

Hope that helps.

Alan

[! Andy]

Hi, ells.

Great story here, you'll have to message me when you post the next part.

Just a few things distracted me from the story, though.

and it was evident that the larger of the two did not want to be seen.

What did he do to make this evident? If it was simply turning the lights off, this need not be mentioned. If it was something else, it needs explaining.

[quote] “SHHH! Damn fool.”He [/QUOTE[
..fool," he...

g-get here?” He managed to blurt out.

he managed to blurt out.

The smaller man kept back his questions for a short timebut his fear of annoying the large man’s order was overcome by his sudden and rather surprising appearance on top of a boat.

This sentence is need of punctuation. You this often, but I think either reading the piece aloud or very carefully, would solve the problem.

it’s just these rags.” The ragged

...rags," the ragged...


Similar errors occur throughout, so I'd suggest you brush up on your punctuation and grammar. There are plenty of sites out there--we've all had to do it! Concentrate on dialogue & commas.

Hope I helped,
- Andy

[SeeTheMonkey]

I liked the concept of this and I think there's the germ of a good idea here. There's just a few things that I think are holding this back.

I felt the opening line wasn't clear enough. I know you state that the two men suddenly appear, but I didn't realise you meant it literally until the word teleport was used later. I think this could be reworded to make your intent a little more apparant.

I know people have already pointed out that you're using a lot of 'tell' and not enough 'show', but you're also using the dialogue as a huge info dump and it's making the dialogue seem forced.
For me, Talom is a representation of the reader. His confusion is ours. If you're expanding on this then I think this scene would work better if there was no explanation of what was happening, leaving both Talom and the reader wondering what was going on.
Besides, with only five minutes to complete his task would Farrel really waste any of it explaining everything to someone he might never meet again?

And that brings me to my last niggle. Five minutes seems like a very short amount of time to work with and I think you're restricting the narrative possibilities.
What happens if the target runs away? Or if he stands and fights? We'll probably never know as five minutes just isn't enough time to explore these possibilities.

One of the most intriguing aspects of this set up is the throwing together of two disparate personalities and forcing them to work together, and I think a five minute time limit would restrict character interaction and development.

All this is just my opinion and should be taken, or ignored, as such.

[eelsupinsideya]

Wow I hadn't expeted so many people to take the time to read this. Thanks for your thoughts.

jambalian - I'll change all that around. Cheers for that, it's a big help.

Andy - Thanks to you also for the critique and help with the grammar. I'll be sure to let you know when I've done anymore work on it.

SeeTheMonkey - I'm going to try and re-write it and see if i can better explain it while keeping an air of mystery to it. I'll change the 5 minutes to more time or something else > maybe not being able to leave till the target is destroyed?? thoughts?

Thanks again for the help. I'm going to re-write with your changes and see if I can make it flow better.

[jambalian]

Glad I could help, eel.

When you've worked on it I will be happy to give it another look.

Alan

[eelsupinsideya]

I've replaced the old intro with the new one so everything can be found on post number 1.

Thanks for reading.

[jambalian]

First thing I would point out is that London doesn't have dollars and cents, it's pounds and pence. If this is set in the future and we have adopted the dollar this should be made clear, otherwise I would leave it in the local currency.

It does read much, much better this time around, though.

[! Andy]

I enjoyed your second introduction much more. Great job! It's a more interesting start, and less confusing.

Needs a little bit of a polish, though. I'd advise you to brush up on comma usage. Strunk and White's Elements of Style is a great read!

On one particular street there sat a man his dirty face and old dirty clothes suggested that he was in no hurry to go anywhere.

...sat a man whose dirty face and old dirty clothes...

It had attracted allot of attention from passersby

I'm guessing you assumed "a lot" was one word and settled with the corrected spelling.

"a lot"

always preferred a friendly conversation over a few dollars

You're on Landan, matey! a few pounds/quid/couple of bob, depends on what voice you're after.

“Arrrrgh,” there was a pop and Tal disappeared from sight.

It would read much better if you simply used a verb instead of dialogue here. Also, what follows his dialogue is not a tag & so is a new sentence in this instance.


Like I said, huge improvement & just needs a polish. I'm not sure why he's buying newspapers everyday, considering he can barely buy a meal. Don't think the message should include "" either.

Good job on being brave enough to change your intro.

Hope I helped

- Andy

[Chazzhart]

I thought it was great. I liked the first one and the second one was even better.
I think you could have a good concept here, something that could lead to any number of interesting conflict situations and much confusion for poor Tal.

Besides the other comments my main one was going to be that there were no names until the end of the piece, which made it harder to connect to the characters for me. But you fixed this well in the second edit.

Well done.

[eelsupinsideya]

Phew, glad you guys liked the second intro. I'm actually excited to write the next bit. I'm going to make it as interesting and exciting as possible.

jambalian - Thanks for the correction. I'll be sure to leave some critique on your story in the next few days. Cheers for your feedback.

Andy - I'm definately going to have to read up on comma usage. I'm relying on the spellcheck to help me out but I'm pretty clueless when it comes to grammar. Also, thanks for your feedback and help. I'm glad you liked the second intro more than the first.

Chazzhart - I appreciate your thoughts and glad you like the idea. Stay tuned for more It should be up before the end of the week. Thanks again.