walkin'

[castlesofsand]

***revision at bottom of this thread***

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I then made.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No voice comforts me with reason.
No one thing at all is nice.

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make new fears from whispered lies.

Candle light, I see your waver.
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting."
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her naught, for it's my loss.

No big hands are there to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No voice comforts me with reason.
No one thing at all is nice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

CoS

[Q Wands]

The steady rhythm and sing-song rhymes create a childlike innocence that fits well with the content. I really liked the juxtaposition of "new Old Spice" in the description of the grandfather. Somehow, it helps to show him as a comfortable presence. The lightning-struck tree and never-see-thems (great phrase) add to the sense of impending danger, outweighing the hope of the candlelight in the window. By this point, I was honestly pulling for child to get home safely! But then the mother's call of warning, and the repeated stanzas about the safe haven abandoned tell a different tale.

Enjoyed this (if that is the right word) very much.

[castlesofsand]

thank you,

yes sometimes home isn't always the safe place to run.

appreciate your thoughts and read

CoS

[Ilseum]

I agree with Q Wands. Sing-song rhymes is the expression I was looking for but couldn't find as I read the poem. I like it very much.

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I then made. (This line seems a tad forced, because of 'then'. Maybe you could simply say 'on decisions I have made' or something of the sort)

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No voice comforts me with reason. (Somehow I get the feeling that 'to comfort' would let this line flow more smoothly than 'comforts')
No one thing at all is nice. (This is the only line (well, these are the only two lines, seeing as you use the same one later on) that sort of 'bugged' me. I'm not sure why, but the structure seems a little out of place.)

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make new fears from whispered lies. (I really like this stanza, especially the 'Never-see-thems')

Candle light, I see your waver.
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting."
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her naught, for it's my loss.

No big hands are there to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No voice comforts me with reason.
No one thing at all is nice. (I like the fact that this stanza comes back. It creates a musical feel)

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

Thanks for the read!

[castlesofsand]

Thank you

I've been guilty of doing these singread poems sometimes they drift into my stories, hard as heck to get rid of.

glad you did enjoy, i will edit and repost

Appreciated

CoS

[castlesofsand]

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I now made.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
May life's just one roll of dice.

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make my fears from whispered lies.

Candle light, I see your waver.
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting."
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her nothing, it's my loss.

No big hands are here to hold me.

No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
My life's just one roll of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

CoS

[Chalant]

I like the way the poem is crafted. It has me wondering what is going on for the first few stanzas -- at first I thought maybe she dropped grandpa off at a retirement home or something. But by the end it is all obvious what is going on and the horror isn't just in the heart of poem's voice, but in ours as well b/c we start to feel for her. It's like a story within a poem, with a tragic revelation at the end. I like it, I like the aha moment, and the darkness of its subject matter stays with me.

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping, <-- I like these two lines, esp "big girl smile'...
on decisions I now made. <-- ...but 'now made' sounds awkward, maybe 'have made


No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice. <-- 'new Old Spice' - I like that! Clever
No soft voice now speaks with reason.

May life's just one roll of dice.

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away. <--could just be me, but I was a little confused here. Is the lighting strike occurring as the poem's voice walks by, or maybe it should read 'lightning struck its life away'
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.


Silent sounds begin to pull me, <-- I don't know that you need a comma here
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make my fears from whispered lies. <-- my favorite rhyme in the poem, it just has a pop that I really like. The word, 'make' does seem a little weak, though. Maybe 'forge' instead?

Candle light, I see your waver.
Gather strength! It's not for long. <-- I like this image, but I wonder where the candle came from. It wasn't very distracting, but if others have the same thought, maybe consider revising.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.


Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait. <--Uugh, this is where I fully grasped what is going on, and it made my stomach turn. That you can get a reaction like that from your reader is a great thing!


"Hurry girl, your father's wanting."
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding, <-- should this comma be here? I read it as 'the scene's unfolding costs the mother nothing, it's really the daughter's problem' which would imply no comma.
costs her nothing, it's my loss.


No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
My life's just one roll of dice. <-- great repetition here. lends a TON of power to the poem, I think. The tragic fact that this cycle that is doomed to repeat itself

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

Sad poem sure to hit its readers emotionally. I love the lyrical quality and can see this set to music as well as read aloud. There's a lot to like here :smile:

[castlesofsand]

thank you chalant, I will mend those parts you noticed.

yes sometimes darkness comes in the form of light

glad you enjoyed

Appreicated the time and thoughts

CoS

[castlesofsand]

I am walking, back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big, girl smile is slipping,
on the choice, that I have made.

No big hands, are here to hold me.
No strong scent, of new Old Spice.
No soft voice, now speaks with reason.
My life's just, one roll of dice.

To my left, a tree dies burning,
lightning struck, a life away.
Still I stand, and watch the horror,
as its luck, now turns my way.

Silent sounds, begin to pull me,
at the corners, of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make my fears, from whispered lies.

Candle lit, I hear you calling.
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears, are soon repeating,
for at home, some thing is wrong.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn, I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting,"
mother warns, "he's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
innocence, it's just my loss.

No big hands, are here to hold me.

No strong scent, of new Old Spice.
No soft voice, now speaks with reason.
My life's just one roll of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

CoS

[Ilseum]

I've been guilty of doing these singread poems

Why the sadness? I like them!

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid.
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I now made. (I agree with Chalant.. 'now' isn't that much better. I really think 'have' would do the job.)

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason. (Much better )
My life's just one roll of dice. (I'd get rid of the contraction, and keep 'life is' for the rythm. It all depends on how you pronounce it, but I think it's clearest when it's not contracted.)

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make my fears from whispered lies. (I agree with Chalant as well, 'forge' would be better. That way, you also have an assonance in 'f')

Candle light, I see your waver.
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait.
Pass the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting."
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her nothing, it's my loss.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
My life's just one roll of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

EDIT: aaand you were faster than me Just ignore the parts you've already changed

[darkdreamer]

A sad picture you paint and all the more disturbing because the mother knows what is happening and sacrifices her daughter to save herself. It happens but I'll never understand it. I would want to protect my daughters whatever.

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid. <-- don't think you need a full stop here
'Cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I now made. <--keep wanting to read this as "have made" though now works ok

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
May life's just one roll of dice. <--did you mean my life's?

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now runs my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me, <--I like the oxymoron I think it's called - as sound is never silent
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
make my fears from whispered lies. <--I wondered about a stronger verb than make

Candle light, I see your waver. <--you could also say "you waver"
Gather strength! It's not for long.
But my fears are soon repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well that dangers wait. <--changes the meaning slightly but you could say what instead of that
Pass the barn I see him coming, <--dunno why but I keep wanting to read as past
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting." <--maybe comma instead of full stop
Mother warns, "He's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her nothing, it's my loss.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
My life's just one roll of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed.
'Cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

Could imagine this turned into a song with a chorus

[castlesofsand]

thank you both, yes those lines need something to touch them up a bit, for they seem to snag.

i will attend

thank you for the thoughts and reads

Appreciated

CoS

[castlesofsand]

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid,
'cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I have made.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
Life is just a shake of dice.

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now rolls my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
form more fears from whispered lies.

Candle flame, I see it waver,
gather strength but not for long.
Soon my fears will bear repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well what dangers wait.
Out the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting,"
mother warns, "he's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her naught, it's just my loss.

No big hands are here to hold me.

No strong scent of new Old Spice.

No soft voice now speaks with reason.
Life is just a shake of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed,
'cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

CoS

[Ilseum]

Much, much better than the first version! Well done! ^^

[Tau]

Stanza three; line four, as you used lighting early in this stanza, may I suggest that you replace runs with rolls, as in rolling thunder.

Thank you for such a nice read.

[castlesofsand]

Thank you both

Tau, yes i like that idea of 'roll' so edited it now. i had to change the 'roll of dice' to 'shake of dice' but i think that makes it better for it shows that luck hasn't been cast yet.

thanks for the idea, appreciated the time, read and thoughts

CoS

[Ilseum]

The image of 'shake' may be better, but in my opinion it does take away part of the flow that 'roll' gave. I understand you want to avoid repetition, but I'd say you should try to find an alternative to get back the flow of the dice line.

[castlesofsand]

I am walking back from grandpa's,
all alone and so afraid,
'cause my big girl smile is slipping,
on decisions I have made.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
Life can be one cast of dice.

To my left a tree dies burning,
lightning strikes its life away.
But I stand and watch in horror,
as its luck now turns my way.

Silent sounds begin to pull me,
at the corners of my eyes.
Where those creatures, 'Never-see-thems',
form more fears from whispered lies.

Candle flame, I see it waver,
gather strength but not for long.
Soon my fears will bear repeating,
for at home, my safety's gone.

Mother stands, her tears at ready,
knows too well what dangers wait.
Out the barn I see him coming,
staggered strides, and drunken gait.

"Hurry girl, your father's wanting,"
mother warns, "he's on the sauce."
But too late, the scene's unfolding,
costs her naught, it's just my loss.

No big hands are here to hold me.
No strong scent of new Old Spice.
No soft voice now speaks with reason.
Life can be one cast of dice.

I was walking back from grandpa's,
all alone, but wished I stayed,
'cause my father's been a drinking,
for his pleasure, I have paid.

CoS

[Tau]

I still think stanza three needs rolls, since you don’t want to repeat things, how about casting the dice or throwing the dice.

[Ilseum]

Originally Posted by Tau

I still think stanza three needs rolls, since you don’t want to repeat things, how about casting the dice or throwing the dice.

That's what I was refering to, as well.

[castlesofsand]

i do like casting the dice, i don't know why my mind blanked out of that word, even throwing fell short, grrrrr

will take a peek

thanks again

[Tau]

You still have the turns in stanza three, and since you now have fixed the dice issue rolls can go back into stanza three, or did I miss something?

By the way, have a

[castlesofsand]

well to me, the turns, i am meaning, how luck turns from good to bad, a turn of a wheel, a twist of fate, that sort of thing, so for me it works good there.

its probably the association of dice, but they turn end to end.

i don't know, but i'm relaxing with a beer now, so if i play with it any further i know i'll break it for sure, so will wait until morning, see what eyes see then.

thanks for coming back, every day i seem to learn something new.

CoS

[Q Wands]

Just read the revised version and I like the use of turns in stanza 3. As you say, it ties in with the whole wheel of fortune thing. It also makes the tree's bad luck sound more menacing, like a savage dog turning its attention from the tree to the child. *shivers*

[castlesofsand]

Thank you Q Wands.

I don't mind playing around with suggestions. It's good to see another's view and learn from it too.

CoS

[euphmonotone]

Nice read, I like the steady flow of rhyming in it, as it's not changed much throughout the entire reading.

I find myself to have a strong liking to the third stanza, it just sticks on me haha.

I'd say there's an ironic irony in this poem. Readers might think that the girl makes it home safely, but instead regrets leaving her grandfather's in the first place. Nice, I didn't expect that.