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Old 09-04-2017, 10:05 AM
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brianpatrick (Offline)
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Originally Posted by eripiomundus View Post
Haven't read the second section yet, but have read the comments to it. I thought it was very well written, and like Grace I totally got the juxtaposition you were going for. Dialogue was fluid and believable. The description to pacing ratio was spot-on, and descriptions didn't feel forced at all, but slipped naturally in to the story. Was one of those reads that scoots along because there's nothing to trip you.

I have to admit I thought the girl who came in after Miriam left and before Jessup came would turn out to be Jessup in drag - would explain all the allusions to Jessup's oddities- but your comments after made me think again. I'll read the rest now and edit this if there's anything I want to add.

Edit: am back to believing the girl is Jessup . Second part was not quite as good as the first, though still very good and readable. I got particularly caught up on the dialogue between Keely and Devon, mainly this line: "That maturity is a cloak he wears Mr. Mitchell. He wants something; I'm not sure what, but his pursuit is relentless. And honestly, I'm not sure what he wants is real at all" it's hard to buy that Keely simultaneously doesn't know what Jessup wants while knowing his want is relentless and suspecting what he wants isn't real. Later developments might prove me wrong, but it seems like you're setting yourself up for some complexities with trying to fulfil these lines later on. In all I think you're hanging slightly too hard on trying to intensify the strangeness you already captured and delineated in the first section. Personally I was already convinced, and further convincing seems a tad like force-feeding while the way you've written the rest is distinctly self-service.

But all in all, the second part still makes me want to read on.

Thanks for reading and the comments. Yeah, the whole thing is overextending the mystery too much. Usually I just start writing with a scene in mind and see where it leads. But this one never lead anywhere so I just kept writing.

You've given me a good idea with the girl in the library being Jessup. I mean, I'd have to change their meeting because I don't think a 13 year old boy would be able to fool an adult for very long in drag. Especially with his voice starting to change.

Thanks again.

If your idea works out I'll post the whole story in members only and see what you guys think.
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