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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction 02-21-2018, 04:06 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 185
Posted By IanG
Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title?...

Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title? There are buffalo in Africa, thought a different species to the American buffalo (or bison). It evokes something large and powerful better than...
Forum: Fiction 02-20-2018, 05:08 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 185
Posted By IanG
You evoke the setting very well, especially at...

You evoke the setting very well, especially at the beginning. The term 'elk king' seemed a little odd as elk live in the northern continents and your story is rooted in the southern continents,...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 04:11 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 182
Posted By IanG
Interesting premise but you could've done a bit...

Interesting premise but you could've done a bit more with it. What was Veronica's motive for being unfaithful? Is all the blame on one side? Her infidelity just drops out of the sky here. We...
Forum: Fiction 02-12-2018, 01:18 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 256
Posted By IanG
The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.

The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.
Forum: Fiction 02-11-2018, 03:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 256
Posted By IanG
As it stands I ask why did the men not know that...

As it stands I ask why did the men not know that its bad luck or taboo to kill a giant snake? If its that important then they should have been told about it from childhood. If they've killed a...
Forum: Fiction 01-31-2018, 04:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 454
Posted By IanG
Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing...

Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing this story.

Honeker's prejudice was against deaf people rather than all British people. I imagined him coming to Britain not knowing that the...
Forum: Fiction 01-29-2018, 04:06 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 454
Posted By IanG
This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon...

This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon after it was unified. The prejudices the Nazis adopted had been around for some time, in the case of anti Semitism for centuries, the Nazis took them...
Forum: Fiction 01-20-2018, 06:29 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 311
Posted By IanG
You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when...

You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when the bird takes her scarf. I get it that she likes to see the mother looking after her brood, but if she feels sorry for loosing it, just for a moment,...
Forum: Fiction 01-09-2018, 05:08 AM
Replies: 20
Views: 459
Posted By IanG
This piece started well, but if you want people...

This piece started well, but if you want people to keep reading then don't give too much away too soon. Also, perhaps you should mention a case where your heroine had a vision and it came true soon...
Forum: Fiction 12-30-2017, 01:32 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 454
Posted By IanG
I don't have a deaf relative but I'm interested...

I don't have a deaf relative but I'm interested in history and I learned that the status of deaf people varied between different times and places. There were, in some places, clusters of deaf people...
Forum: Fiction 12-27-2017, 08:59 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 454
Posted By IanG
The Sign of Hatred

"Help! Help!"

The woman who was signing ran down the landing of her house. The walls on either side of her were blazing from floor to ceiling. Thick smoke obscured everything behind her. She...
Forum: Fiction 12-26-2017, 09:19 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 393
Posted By IanG
This is a good beginning, concise yet evocative. ...

This is a good beginning, concise yet evocative. No sign of you being out of practice that I can detect.
Forum: Fiction 12-07-2017, 03:00 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 383
Posted By IanG
Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth...

Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth and anything you can say to me you may say to them,' rather than 'they're mine.' That doesn't seem like reason enough on its own to let them stay, a...
Forum: Fiction 11-23-2017, 01:24 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 455
Posted By IanG
Perhaps it would be better to start with her...

Perhaps it would be better to start with her going over the advice for survival in her mind, then move on to the comments about tweeny masters and neuromacy. The former is more recognisable, easier...
Forum: Fiction 10-30-2017, 05:09 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 602
Posted By IanG
Try 'we had gathered around a fire, but its...

Try 'we had gathered around a fire, but its meagre heat was nowhere near enough to warm us.

A brutal blizzard had blown around our village for months.

'Keen me and my sister' should read...
Forum: Fiction 10-20-2017, 07:24 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 348
Posted By IanG
You build tension and atmosphere very well here,...

You build tension and atmosphere very well here, and I like the touch of ambiguity at the end -are these things really closing in or is the narrator having a panic attack? Good work.
Forum: Fiction 10-19-2017, 04:07 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 974
Posted By IanG
This is a topical piece following recent events,...

This is a topical piece following recent events, and its a good metaphore of the haircut and the shoes. The idea of him rooting for the storm and trying to justify his approach is only too believable.
Forum: Fiction 09-24-2017, 10:54 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 488
Posted By IanG
Thank you for taking the trouble to write this...

Thank you for taking the trouble to write this critique. I've done some editing to take account of points you raised. I put in the bit about the men going to jail because I didn't want Amber to be a...
Forum: Fiction 09-20-2017, 05:08 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 512
Posted By IanG
Could you hint that Mitchell appears respectable...

Could you hint that Mitchell appears respectable to most people, and has concealed his crimes for a long time? This has happened in real life cases of abuse of minors and people with special needs. ...
Forum: Fiction 09-18-2017, 09:29 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 721
Posted By IanG
If English is your second language then its hard...

If English is your second language then its hard to tell, you handle it well.
Forum: Fiction 09-17-2017, 12:11 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 488
Posted By IanG
My Brother Terry

This is my first attempt at a ghost story. Any comments would be welcome.

Britain, 1943

Terry's mouth dried up and the blood drained from his cheeks. A man was aiming a revolver at him. This...
Forum: Fiction 09-06-2017, 05:06 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 412
Posted By IanG
There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was...

There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was still there.' It should be either 'women were still there' or 'the woman was still there.' By the context I think it should be the latter. Also, you...
Forum: Fiction 08-24-2017, 07:34 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 886
Posted By IanG
If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while...

If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while being chased, perhaps then you could leave the shooting out. If he tried to hang on to a parapet but fell just as someone reached out a hand to him,...
Forum: Fiction 08-10-2017, 05:58 AM
Replies: 20
Views: 1,741
Posted By IanG
Rabbit, not everyone is disagreeing with you. ...

Rabbit, not everyone is disagreeing with you. You gave me a critique some time ago and, though it was brief, I found it very supportive. Nick also seemed to like it so perhaps you agree on some...
Forum: Fiction 08-10-2017, 05:42 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 415
Posted By IanG
Mood pieces are not usually my thing, but this...

Mood pieces are not usually my thing, but this one is vivid and poetic. I like the way you reversed 'colour of absence, the absence of colour..' The paint on canvas metaphor was good too.
Showing results 1 to 25 of 496

 

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