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Search: Posts Made By: darkdreamer
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2009, 08:48 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 724
Posted By darkdreamer
Thaks very much Calligraphy. I'll look again at...

Thaks very much Calligraphy. I'll look again at the ending, see if I can improve it.
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2009, 07:45 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 724
Posted By darkdreamer
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment...

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Hilee. This wasn't intended as a twist. The reader was meant to see what Sara didn't.

Her parents are from Pakistan and it is still common practice...
Forum: Fiction 07-19-2009, 02:48 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,438
Posted By darkdreamer
Joel the onion is an interesting character. I'm...

Joel the onion is an interesting character. I'm sure he will continue to get the better of the police as this saga unfolds.

A few thoughts - use or reject as you wish.



Thanks for the read....
Forum: Fiction 07-18-2009, 10:54 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 952
Posted By darkdreamer
And I thought I had weird dreams! How well do...

And I thought I had weird dreams! How well do you know this friend, lol.

The story was compelling reading though I did balk at him turning the dead guy into steaks and going round selling them...
Forum: Fiction 07-18-2009, 09:51 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 788
Posted By darkdreamer
An interesting read that entices me to want to...

An interesting read that entices me to want to read more. However, it's hard to comment as this is just an excerpt but I wondered who was doing the questioning? A doctor? Psychiatrist? I'm unsure...
Forum: Poetry 07-18-2009, 02:07 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 535
Posted By darkdreamer
I liked this, the crazy drugged life interspersed...

I liked this, the crazy drugged life interspersed with the thoughts about the girl. My only suggestion would be to make a clearer separation between the two by using italics for the thoughts on the...
Forum: Fiction 07-18-2009, 02:01 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 724
Posted By darkdreamer
Arranged - 1682 words

Arranged

It had been unbearably hot for weeks; an intense heat that shimmered in the breezeless air and clung to her skin like a heavy coat. The grass on the common had burnt brown and the...
Forum: Poetry 07-18-2009, 02:51 AM
Replies: 6
ehh
Views: 830
Posted By darkdreamer
I enjoyed the poem and like the feeling of...

I enjoyed the poem and like the feeling of disharmony and chaos in your mind and body. I think it deserves a better title than "ehh".

I'm not a fan of capitalising the first letter of each line,...
Forum: Fiction 07-17-2009, 03:21 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 1,468
Posted By darkdreamer
So are you saying that in my crit, you didn't...

So are you saying that in my crit, you didn't understand why I made the points I did and that I should have shown you how I think you could fix what I highlighted? I could have done but like CoS...
Forum: Poetry 07-17-2009, 02:01 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 432
Posted By darkdreamer
Breadline

Deleted
Forum: Fiction 07-17-2009, 01:53 PM
Replies: 60
Views: 3,668
Posted By darkdreamer
I thought this was a site for those serious about...

I thought this was a site for those serious about their writing and trying hard to improve. Seems to me if someone is so obviously trolling for attention, they should be stopped, either the post...
Forum: Poetry 07-17-2009, 01:14 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 611
Posted By darkdreamer
I like the contrast between the imagination and...

I like the contrast between the imagination and the literal though I'm not sure about whether I like the last line or not.

I think it should be

And the seasons which are ever long,
Forum: Poetry 07-17-2009, 11:15 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 559
Posted By darkdreamer
Hi Ron I have never heard of Ian Fairweather...

Hi Ron

I have never heard of Ian Fairweather either. Interesting the connection you felt to this man, though he is for me just a shadowy character that I can't quite visualise.
Forum: Fiction 07-17-2009, 03:46 AM
Replies: 16
Views: 1,468
Posted By darkdreamer
Thank you for your explanation of the points...

Thank you for your explanation of the points raised but consider this - those reading the piece don't have access to your explanations and reasons. It needs to be clear in the piece itself.
Forum: Fiction 07-16-2009, 10:46 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 1,468
Posted By darkdreamer
seems strange to me to hinge a whole story around...

seems strange to me to hinge a whole story around the death of a girl you don't deem worthy of a name, yet a character who appears in one sentence is named but that's just how i see it.
Forum: Fiction 07-16-2009, 03:20 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 1,468
Posted By darkdreamer
I liked the story but some things confused me. ...

I liked the story but some things confused me.

How did the girl get shot so many times on the plane without there being any other signs of a fight or struggle, no other dead bodies. Wouldn't the...
Forum: The Notice Board 07-15-2009, 02:34 PM
Replies: 45
Views: 3,617
Posted By darkdreamer
Congratulations Ilseum. The green robes fit you...

Congratulations Ilseum. The green robes fit you very well. Enjoy wearing them.
Forum: Poetry 07-15-2009, 01:17 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 549
Posted By darkdreamer
Hi CF and welcome to the site I would...

Hi CF and welcome to the site

I would suggest losing the capital letters at the beginning of each line as the disrupt the flow.

I met you there at our wits’ end
That place, just you and me
It...
Forum: Poetry 07-15-2009, 01:06 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 496
Posted By darkdreamer
I think you need some imagery to give the reader...

I think you need some imagery to give the reader a clearer picture of what you're trying to convey.
Forum: Poetry 07-15-2009, 12:11 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 1,074
Posted By darkdreamer
My feeling is that the focus should be Julie and...

My feeling is that the focus should be Julie and the memory she leaves in the bracelet. That is where the strength of your poem lies.

I didn't quite understand about the other girls - were they...
Forum: Poetry 07-15-2009, 04:03 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 868
Posted By darkdreamer
I enjoyed this road trip you took from Europe to...

I enjoyed this road trip you took from Europe to USA, now I'd better do some work.
Forum: Poetry 07-14-2009, 09:38 PM
Replies: 13
Views: 1,088
Posted By darkdreamer
Short and sweet

Short and sweet
Forum: Poetry 07-14-2009, 09:26 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 645
Posted By darkdreamer
In the first verse you describe a black heart...

In the first verse you describe a black heart pumping blood and then in the second verse go on to say its beauty catches all eyes. Why is this black heart pumping blood beautiful? what plight?...
Forum: Poetry 07-14-2009, 08:44 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 11,141
Posted By darkdreamer
I agree with what's been said about this being...

I agree with what's been said about this being too general and prose-like. It would be better to focus on the silence and showing how that affects the relationship.
Forum: Poetry 07-14-2009, 08:16 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 547
Posted By darkdreamer
Thanks Ilseum and CoS I am not sure who made...

Thanks Ilseum and CoS

I am not sure who made it. I'm kicking myself for not noting down the sculptor and title but I did like it.
Showing results 1 to 25 of 207

 

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